Tummy Tuck

Elmo

This is so embarrassing… when I was pregnant I got these two tiny stretch marks. It was like month 8 and I was regaling in the fact that I went the whole way with no stretch marks. Then god slapped me in the face and was like “haha no!!” and out popped these two stupid tiny pink things, I didn’t even know what it was until afterwards because I was too busy lamenting that my belly button used to be an inny.

Anyway… today I was in the shower (first shower in three days, pretty awesome) and I thought they were gone. I looked in the mirror and YES THEY TOTALLY DISAPPEARED. So my first, literally my first thought was like “omg this is so awesome, I can wear a bikini again!!!”. I”M SUCH A FUCKING IDIOT. As if I can wear a bikini ever again!? I literally stood in the bathroom thinking about how stupid I was for even thinking that I could ever ever wear a bikini again.

I’m so fat. I mean, I was always kinda fat but I was fine with it. Then I had Max and now I’m actually legit fat. I can’t even lose this weight. I weigh 5lbs more than I did before I had Max, I can’t lose it. No matter what I do. And for some reason, this 5lbs looks more like 30lbs. To the point where I was SURE the scale was wrong. I tried four different scales, they’re all the same… it makes no sense. It’s 5 POUNDS, how can it have dispersed to look like 30 pounds?? I’m now totally that fat mom I used to make fun of before I had a baby. It’s just karma for me being such a cunt to everyone all the time. I get it. Thanks.

My clothes don’t even fit anymore, I bought all new clothes. In fact, I gave up and bought only all new mom clothes. Disgusting mom jeans and everything… which by the way I don’t even wear, because I’m still in my pyjamas all day every day. I really really gave up really really quickly. I don’t even have a reason or excuse for being so lazy anymore, I just don’t even care. It’s gonna be really hard when I do go back to work and have to actually get myself ready to be in public. And not “mom public” because I already am in “mom public” where no one really gives a shit what we look like because we all “know”. I have to be in “work public” where I have to wear clean pants that don’t have poop/barf/pee/food/crumbs/stains of things I don’t even know what they are/old sauces/milk on them. And probably am gonna have to go back to wearing regular underwear and not my comfy maternity underwear. You see? I really really gave up. I totally get it if Brian cheats on me, like i’m actually right now on this blog giving you permission, because i’m disgusting.

I totally lost track of what I was saying… Oh ya bikini… oh god I think Max might have just fallen out of his crib. Gah! Ok he didn’t, I think it was a garbage truck. Train of thought over, blog post over. In summary… I need a tummy tuck. And stretch marks can disappear if you ask/pray nicely over and over and over again.

Side: Some people told me I should add more photos to this blog, and I agree. But I’m lazy, so I’m just going to add random photos. The photo for this post is me spending my time Dustbusting Elmo, because Max’s poop was coming out red and I thought he was sick. When in reality he was just eating Elmo’s fur. True story.