The Worst Part Of Having Kids

There really is a bad part… I mean, there are probably several really shitty parts to having a kid I suppose. LIke the lack of sleep forever and ever, the constant worrying, the not ever having money again…

Max is going through the what I like to lovingly call the “asshole” phase of his life.  He has an attitude temper thing and just really needs to chill out. Like really. He LOVES to defy every single thing I say. Sometimes he’ll stand there doing the opposite of what I say while staring at me just to see my reaction. I ignore him and he’ll stop sometimes. He also likes to run away… he ran on the street the other day hysterically laughing because I was screaming at him not to. I’m a day away from becoming a leash parent.

He loves to ignore me or pretend he doesn’t hear me or do things he shouldn’t do that are amazingly dangerous, like jump on the edge of the couch, or try and open the hot oven, or play with knives*. He also loves to get super angry and throw shit at me. I spend a good part of my day yelling at him or putting him in time outs, which he thinks is hilarious. Me: “Max, stop that or you’re gonna get a time out! Do you want a time out?!?” Max: “LOL11!!1!l!!1!! HAHAH YES!!”. Every. Single. Time.

I don’t want to yell at him, it’s the worst… I don’t want to be mad at him, but really, he’s being unreasonable. He’s 2, so I don’t’ ever expect him to be reasonable, but 14 hours a day of someone just giving you shit all day, you get annoyed and angry and yell-ey. Then there are the days when he’s perfect and awesome and cuddly and cozy and wonderful, and you forgot about the shit days. No joke, he was on such a rampage last week that I contacted three daycares and got two job interviews, I was so done.

Anyway, none of that is the worst part of having kids. Because they’re kids and that’s what they do and you deal with it, and it’s ridiculous but whatever. Half the tantrums are hilarious, and I have to hide myself from laughing at him.  But, the real worst part is this…

When they go to sleep, and then you spend the next 8 hours feeling guilty and watching them sleep soundly and innocently and super cute, and you feel like THE WORST PERSON ever for just yelling and reprimanding them for what felt like all day. Like you really feel horrible, because you realize that they’re so little and young and don’t know any better, yet you were the jerk being horrible to them all day. When in reality it’s probably not true, but they’re so good and sleepy and quiet and you forget how asshole-y they were all day.

And you promise yourself the next day you aren’t going to get mad at them, or yell at them or anything because they’re too perfect and cute and everything you’ve always wanted. But then the second he wakes up, he comes downstairs and says “mommy make me bacon and put cartoons on and don’t change my diaper.” and you say “You aren’t actually my boss (yes he is), and also say please, and also yes I am changing your gross diaper” and he replies with “NO, mommy make bacon right now!!” and you say “relax, I’ll make breakfast in a minute, I have to change your diaper first” and he says “NO NOW!!” then starts screaming and kicking you and throwing shit on the floor and you’re like “DUDE RELAX, we don’t throw things and we don’t kick people!!!!!”…and now it’s been 45 seconds and you’ve already yelled at him once today.

#TerribleTwos

*He doesn’t actually play with knives, have access to knives, or anything of the like