Snow Day Fail

What’s life like with a toddler?  Well if you read my post yesterday, you’d see all the big things I had planned!! So exciting!

Here’s what really happened:

He slept in till 9:30, which you would assume would be amazing, but it’s not, because then everything else happens 2 hours later than it should, and he ends up going to bed at 10pm instead of 8pm, but what the hell, it’s not like I have to be at work tomorrow, plus he’s fun at night.  So, at 9:30 I went to get him and saw that he pee’d himself, and his crib, then didn’t want a bath. After 20 minutes of laughing and chasing, I finally got him in the water, then he wouldn’t come out. After another 30 minutes of slippery giggly convincing to get him out, I went upstairs and cleaned the pee out of his crib, did the laundry, etc…  then I made breakfast that he didn’t want to eat. Then he started eating it. Then he stopped. An hour later I gave up and ended breakfast.  It’s now 11am.

Finally time for our walk! Except now the snow was melting. I got all his gear on, and by the time we got outside (12pm!) it was gross raining and the snow was gone. We walked for a bit, but he wouldn’t keep his hands covered, and they were freezing, and he didn’t want to wear his hat or his boots, I’m not letting him win/get frost bite. We turned around and came back in. I went to make his bed while he was quiet downstairs, which you would assume is a good thing, but it isn’t. Quiet means “up to something”. Always. No matter what.

I’ve yet to sit down today, I figure we can at least watch some cozy christmas TV for a bit. And we did, but we did for a “toddler bit” and a “toddler bit” is equal to 14 seconds, unless it’s Sesame Street in which it’s 32 seconds. He wants me to play a bunch of other very active games with him, and not that I’m lazy (I am lazy), but I’m fairly tired already. I try to play with his trains, his blocks, his books, his castle, his cars, I taught him this fun puzzle thing, so that was awesome. Then I introduced him to markers, which he uses on the hardwood floor because he’s into modern art and he’s expressing himself and his life struggles, thank you very much.

Then I make lunch, which he’s decided he’d like to eat very slowly until he gets bored and says he’s done, which is fine because I’m also bored of watching him eat peas one at a time. I try to put him down for his nap, where he’s like “fuck off no” basically. I have to pretend I’m sleeping on his crib for 20 minutes in order for him to go to sleep, which i’m not going to lie, I love… because I get to watch him be all cozy sleepy peaceful, it’s the cutest thing ever, and kills me every single time. Then I sneak out of his room while he’s sleeping, but my belt gets stuck on the fan and makes a huge noise and I almost cry. I come back downstairs to do dishes, and clean the living room. Aaaaand that’s my snow day.

Side note: I didn’t mention any of the poop that went on, because I don’t talk about poop. but there was poop. Lots of poop. Oh, I also didn’t mention that I tried to make muffins with him and he decided to eat a handful of raw egg.

Lesson learned: Don’t. Plan. Anything. Especially if the snow isn’t going to stick around! Fail.  Also, raw egg doesn’t always make kids sick… so far. I wonder how long that takes until I know he won’t get sick. I can’t google it because I don’t google medical things. They were organic eggs, if that makes it any better?


yellow snow

Woah woah woah, what’s this? A blog?? What the?!  Yeah I totally abandoned this blog, for various reasons that I don’t even have time or motivation to write about. But let’s put that behind us… because this post is important…

Max doesn’t even know it yet, but he’s going to play in the snow today for the first time!!!!! I can’t even wait for him to wake up! Like, I might go wake him, which is stupid, because I’ll spend the rest of the day regretting waking him.  BUT LOOK OUTSIDE, I’M SO EXCITED, I CAN’T CONTAIN MYSELF!! He has NO IDEA that snow lands, and that you can play in it, and make snowmen, and angels,  and snowballs, and whatever the hell else you do in snow. Maybe I’ll let him pee in it, who knows. It’s a free for all today. I always wished I was a boy so I could pee in the snow.  I mean, I guess I can still pee in the snow as a girl, but it’s not the same, obviously. Why am I writing that?! You KNOW it’s not the same. I’m an idiot. Also, there are lots of other reasons I wished I was a boy, mainly that 86 hour labour I had, also the time this guy offered me bus tokens in exchange for staying the night (which I respectfully declined), that made me wish I was a boy, because I would have punched him a lot harder than I was able as a female. I guess I could just bulk up maybe, I don’t know. What am I writing right now? I should continue to abandon this blog, because it’s wasting everyone’s time. Sorry.

ANYWAY, EVERYONE should be a stay at home mom (men inclusive, people w/o kids inclusive), I feel like I’m 12 years old and get to do whatever I want whenever I want. I’m also poor, so pros and cons I suppose.  No, like I’m legit without funds, I haven’t logged into my bank thingie forever, and I just did this morning and I have $12.59 in my bank!! So that sucks and I have no clue what I’m going to do because I haven’t had that little money in my bank since I was actually 12 years old. But what doesn’t suck is that I’m about to go play in the snow all day with my bff, then have hot chocolate with marshmallows while we cozy up on the couch in the afternoon watching National Lampoons Christmas Vacation until we fall asleep for an after snow nap! BEST!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Off topic, Max is about to be transitioned into a big boy bed. fuuuuuuck.  I’ll have so many posts about that, I have no doubt. Like how when we were buying his bed, our car got totalled. Or how I’m terrified that now he’s just going to be loose in the night, while I sleep. What’s he going to do?? I have no idea, and I don’t’ trust him in the least. Stay tuned!

You Won’t Ever Sleep Again, Baby (A Handy Dandy List)

You’ll never sleep again after you have a kid. I’m sure everyone has told you that. But I’m just confirming the fact that they are all correct. The thing is, before you have kids you’ll be all “my kid will sleep just fine, so I’ll sleep just fine” or “It’s only a few months of no sleep, then it gets better“. You would be wrong on both accounts.  In fact, if you don’t  have kids, you won’t even understand this post. Because when people say you’ll never sleep again… they actually mean it. Never. Again.

And it comes in phases, and the no sleep phase starts well before the baby is even out. The last good sleep I had was May 2012. It’s not like you don’t sleep anymore. It’s just a different kind of sleep. I’ve outlined in it real nice for you, because you’re too tired to read anything non list formatted. I get it. don’t worry.

Phases of “You Will Never Ever Sleep Again”:

1. You’re pregnant
It’s 2am and your pregnancy insomnia just kicked in. It’s 3am you’re back asleep. It’s 4:30am you wake up feeling like someone just took a knife and jabbed it into your hip, twisted it a bit, then kicked you in the spleen. It’s 5am, you wake up because you just had a dream of the labour and the baby came out missing an eye and wtf is he ok?? Up for the day.

2. Baby arrives
8 week shit-show commences, quiet literally. Babies don’t have their circadian rhythm set yet. What does that mean (because I know you aren’t googling it)? It means they know fuck all about day vs. night. No word of a lie for at least 8 weeks, most likely more but the “remembering” portion of my brain just can’t… I “slept” sitting up in bed with my head against a wall, in 45 minute increments for 8 weeks.

3. Circadian Rhythm Synced
So now your baby is 3 months old and he’s sleeping at night. I use the term sleeping really loosely though, let’s not get ahead of ourselves. Don’t forget to wake him up every 3 hours to feed him. Also don’t forget that feeding him takes at least what? 30 minutes?  And remember putting them back down takes time too. By the time the process is over, you lie back in bed, try to fall asleep, getting really really mad at yourself because you can’t fall back asleep that fast, your anger keeps you up longer, and just as you doze, it’s time to feed them again. SUCKA!

God help me. If at any time your baby is actually sleeping, you are not. Because you are trying to make sure they are breathing. Because SIDS is a legit thing that even though we have computers, 3D printers, and fancy things now, they haven’t eradicated it yet (I know that’s the wrong word, and I don’t care). So you wake up and see if they’re breathing, then you go back to sleep, then you wake up 30 minutes later and repeat the process all night long. Literally, all night long until the sun comes out and you start crying because you realize that was your sleep for the night. And I don’t know when this ends, because last week Max slept in until 9:30am (he’s always up at 7am) and I had to go make sure he was breathing. Which is ridiculous. I’m an idiot.

5. Sleeping through the night
At about 8 months maybe? Babies are “supposed” to sleep through he night. (You know, I used to know all these stupid milestones and now I’ve forgotten them, and that makes me a better person). So your baby is finally sleeping through he night! Congratualtions. Don’t forget SIDS. Don’t you fucking sleep!!! WHAT IF THEY AREN’T BREATHING?? And every other “what if” will run through your head every time you doze until either the sun comes up or they start crying then you start crying… I mean why is he sleeping this long? He must be hungry, maybe I should go feed him, I don’t know. Maybe I should bring him into bed with me so we can bond? What if he goes to college and doesn’t even like me because we didn’t co-sleep? How will I pay for college?What if he is never independent because we did co-sleep? What are we going to do all long boring day tomorrow?? I wonder if I’m a good mom? What if i’m not?? I wish I could make cool mom friends and not bitchy bitch mom friends. Should I go back to work or stay at home? Oh it’s 7am, the day starts now. Refreshing 20 minute sleep tonight.

5.5 I am very fucking weary of the fact that your baby actually sleeps through the night at 8 months or whatever. I feel like all the moms got the email blast from Babycentre saying “your baby is now sleeping through the night!” milestone thing, and then just started telling everyone that theirs was. And at the time, you want to kill yourself because why is everyone else getting to sleep and you aren’t?! It’s only at 18 months now that I realize those moms/dads are lying bitches. I don’t know if they lie to make themselves feel less tired, or because they want to pretend they’re better than you. Probably both. Moms can be super bitches, in case you haven’t gotten that yet from reading this blog.

6. Spidey Senses
Ok let’s pretend that at 12 months they legit actually start sleeping through the night. YOU FINALLY DONT HAVE TO WAKE UP EVERY FEW HOURS.  Except.. .wait for it… YOU WILL NEVER SLEEP AGAIN. Who cares if your baby is sleeping through the night!? It’s been so long now, why would you remember how to do that?? Your senses will never ever ever allow you to ever get back in that deep sleep mode again. Case in point, Max coughed one little tiny quiet cough at 2am, I wasn’t worried, he’s not sick, nothing’s wrong, but mom-senses woke me up to let me know he coughed, and now even though I went to sleep at 12:30am #HugeMistake, I’m awake writing this at 2:30am because of his cough.  Literally, every single little sound no matter what, will wake you up. NO MATTER WHAT!! I don’t know when this will stop!? My guess is never. My guess is my senses are super heightened for the rest of my life, and I’ve already had my last good sleep. 

10 Really F**king Legit Good Reasons You Should Have Kids

I know so many people who don’t want to have kids. And I was thinking if they just knew how good it is, maybe they’d change their mind. But then I realized how bullshit that was, because I didn’t want kids either for the longest time, and whenever anyone tried to tell me all the good parts I was like “just no, whatever” while I slept in till 11am after a night of wine drinking, foodie restaurant hopping and vacation planning. Then I woke up on my 30th birthday and everything went to shit and I wanted a baby all of the sudden, OUT OF NOWHERE. Fuck you hormones. Fuck you so bad.

I don’t even really care what other people want or do, it effects me zero percent, do whatever you want. If you want to go travel the world instead of having kids, go travel! It’s not like you can travel with kids. Where you gonna go? Australia? Australia is all prisoners, don’t take children there. You wanna go eat at the best restaurants and post photos of your Waygu $600.00 blue endangered lobster topped steak to Instagram? Go do that, restaurants hate kids, especially the asshole kids. And most kids are assholes, so you’d probably end up with an asshole and never get to eat anywhere good again. I’ve been to Boston Pizza 3 times this month, it’s disgusting.

Having said that… in case you’re on the fence (and also because Buzzfeed), I’ve compiled a list of 10 really fucking legit good reasons you should have kids, with all of the “omg but it’s so rewarding and you love them so much” removed.

10 Really Fucking Legit Good Reasons To Have Kids (In case you’re on the fence):

1.  You can get out of ANYTHING!!!
“Sorry, my son has to nap, I can’t make it to your Pinterest Napkin Folding party”. “Hey, this dinner of liver and potatoes is great, and I love listening to your creepy uncle talk about his fishing boat, but my son has to nap in 10 minutes so we have to go” (Then you go get burgers).  “Hmm ya I can’t make it that day to help you rebuild your deck in the rain, my son has music class, sorry.”. #CouldBeTrueCouldBeFalseDOESN’TMATTER

2. You get all the best parking spaces
Self explanatory, but you do. And the best part is when you park in one of those close spots and you get the stink eye from a overtired bitchy bitch mom who thinks you have no kids in the car.

3. You get a year off work to just hang and do whatever
Because ProTip: in the first year of their lives, they don’t do shit. So you can legit just go anywhere and do anything.

4. You’ll get less annoyed by people posting baby photos on Facebook
I mean, moderately less annoyed. I still know some over-posters (guilty) and they need to just   stop. I don’t care that your kid can fit a cheerio in his nose, it’s not cute to anyone but you. But overall, you get over seeing only baby pics on Facebook. And you can also judge other people’s kids and make yourself feel better about your own comparatively.

5. You get free stuff
The amount of free Timbits I’ve gotten because “omg your baby is so cute!” in the past year is an exorbitant amount.

6. You don’t have to work late anymore
Leave that for the junior account people who wear high boots, big earrings, ombre their hair, and have nothing to go home to except a big bottle of wine and probably a concert at some point that night.

7. The government will send you $100.00 a month
You legit get $100.00! This means nothing to anyone reading this because you all have jobs. I used to have a job and made a lot of money so I was all “I’m just gonna donate that money” back in the day. But now I have no job, and it’s $100.00! Which is a lot of money to someone who has zero money! I think i’m supposed to give it to Max. like put it in an RESP or something, but mama needs her nails done.

8. Momradery
Everyone you run into is basically your friend immediately. Because you all share the same “a person has ripped their way out of my body, then peed in my mouth and pooped on my hand” bond. We all talk to each other all the time, passing on the street, in the mall, at the park, I don’t even know you but we’re talking, because we both just “know“. And it’s so great. I.e. I was at Yorkdale wearing a Superman t-shirt because I’m an idiotloser, and Max was being a silly, and a stranger mom comes over to me and says “Superman eh?  More like Supermom, you’re doing great!”.  THAT’S AMAZING. Trust me. It’s amazing. So I’ve coined Momradery as a real thing, we’re all looking out for each other and it’s wonderful.

9. You can get fat, and it’s fine
I’m disgusting, and while I hate being fat, I can continue to blame it on the baby weight that won’t go away. Or like you want that extra cupcake? That’s gross, you’ve had two already. but “my son kept me up all night, i haven’t eaten in two days because I’ve been so busy taking care of him, I’m so tired” now it’s totally acceptable to eat that cupcake. And before you judge me, I know you’ve done this before, I know you’ve eaten two cupcakes at one sitting, and you have no kids, therefore you don’t even have an excuse. So maybe I am disgusting, but at least I have an excuse.

10. Ok I had to throw this in… you really do love them on a whole other level
Like for all the work it is, and for all the things you’ve wanted to do in your life without kids, you won’t even care anymore. I still want to travel the world, but I want to travel the world with Max and show him all the amazing things that I wanted to see, but we both get to see it for the first time together. Except Australia, a population of criminals.

Ranty rant rant rant rant ranty rant

I honest to god didn’t realize how hard it was going to be to find a babysitter. Like, fuck. We’ve been out together 3 times in 18 months, and one of those times was super duper rush-ey so it barely counts haha.

Me and Brian don’t even know what to talk about anymore when we do have time together, it’s been so sparse us just being alone together, it’s super shitty. Most of my friends (see: all of my friends) have sitters/nannies/family/friends that’ll watch their baby’s whenever. I even know people who get overnights once a week, or weeklong vacays, or like dinner dates once a month, etc… meanwhile, I haven’t gotten my haircut in 3 months because I can’t find anyone to watch him even for 2 hours. It’s fucking annoying. I wish I had a bigger family, that’s such a huge pro to having siblings!! All the aunts and uncles theoretically love babysitting!! Right?!? Sigh.

I’m not saying we wanna go out every night or week or whatever, I wouldn’t want to be away from him that much anyway, he’s my buddy! But, if I could just hang with Brian a couple times a month alone, imagine how awesome that would be. Maybe even just once a month?? OMG I can’t even imagine!! I can’t believe that my barebones request of 2 hours a month so me and Brian can go have dinner alone so that we don’t end up going crazy and killing eachother is almost impossible to get. Like fuck, we even missed our anniversary because we couldn’t find anyone! Then we even resorted to randomly finding some stranger on Facebook to watch Max, then less than one minute later came to our senses and were like NOT HAPPENING, wtf, that’s the WORST IDEA EVER. EVER!!!! DON’T DO THAT. I’m sure they were lovely people, but just don’t.

I’ve always said having a baby was so much easier than I thought it would be, but this lack of babysitting is infinitely harder than I thought it would be. I’ve expunged most of my resources to find someone, inclusive of strangers on Facebook, and I’ve honest to god come up with nothing. 18 Months into this, and feeling super duper helpless slash super fucking jealous of everyone that has ever gone on a date night after having a baby. ANYHOO TLDR; if you know any really good reliable awesome fun responsible sitters… send ’em my way. #NotHoldingMyBreath

The. Worst. Story. Ever.

God, I remember when I was pushing and he’s not coming out (most likely because he’s so comfy in there just chilling, now that I know his personality, that’s so something he would do), my midwife is like “I think the issue is there isn’t enough room for him to come out”.  I FUCKING TOLD EVERYONE THIS ALREADY.   I used to say “I really don’t know how babies fit out!! I feel like they don’t.” I was right. I’m always right about everything, like really… I’m right 99% of my life.  So the doctor has to take over for the midwife now and I just want to go home and figure it out myself… and the midwife says all casual like no big deal “Baby is stuck, there isn’t enough room to come out”. And it was at this point in my life, that I learned a person’s whole entire arm can fit inside someone’s body.

“Oh no, there’s lots of room” says the doctor, while her 12 students watch on in delight, eager eyes wide open and glowing like it’s Christmas morning.  Midwife checks again, “no no he’s stuck, there really isn’t”. Doctor checks again, so now there have been three arms in my body, two of them from the same person though, so not so bad I suppose. Sigh. So now the doctor is all “ok cool let’s just make room then if that’s what you think” then she cackled like an evil doctor and grew bat wings and flew around the room spitting fire at me because she’s the devil.  “Made room?”  What do you mean she made room?  Well she made room. She made room with her arm, thanks to a bunch of medieval torture devices, her elbow and who knows what else.  I’m sure Brian knows what else because he was down there watching it all while I was staring at the ceiling crying and screaming.

After I was screaming at the top of my lungs to the doctor to stop, just leave it alone (she told me to stop screaming and I told her to fuck off. Which in retrospect is horrible, but it was reactionary.)  I just laid there thinking “I can’t believe someone just did that to me”. And I’m fairly sure I should have been thinking about pushing, or my health, or the baby’s health, getting the baby out because he still wasn’t out yet. But no, my brain couldn’t even process what just happened. I felt feel so violated, and I remember telling my brain “you can’t feel violated right now, you’re having a baby… back to the task at hand!”  God, I wish it was just a hand, not an arm and elbow (or three). and honestly, if you’re already there… why not just grab him? You obviously had him, just tug him out!  Like this is the worst!! I think about this all the time. Don’t put your arm in someone’s body!! I don’t’ care if you’re a doctor or whatever the profession or lifestyle you choose. You just don’t do it.

Oh man, I hope Max reads this when he’s older, so our family dinners become super duper awkward

Really reaching for something to write about post

TMI and pointless, but really… I’m so sick of buying bras. Like, I have no money and I’m over it. And he’s 16 months old, so my fucking hormones should get their shit together already.   Before I was pregnant I bought a bunch of bras because there was a sale one day… and when I went to wear them they didn’t fit. I was so annoyed because I couldn’t return them, and the store’s sizing was obviously off. I remember just being so angry because it was such a waste of money. Two weeks later I found out I was pregnant… and then I felt like an asshole for being so mad at the store, because it wasn’t them who got me pregnant, and certainly not the store clerk (I don’t think?) I yelled at for a return, so not even a tiny bit their fault. sigh.

I had to go buy some more that would fit, and at that point I had no money because I was trying to save since I was gonna be on mat leave for a year and poor.  Oh  and don’t forget that in like 6 months you have to go bra shopping again because they just keep getting bigger and bigger and it’s really annoying at this point.

Hey, THEN YOU HAVE A BABY!!!! And guess what happens? Bingo.  I think in 9 months at that point I had spent probably $600.00 on bras, maybe more. Probably more. Yeah, for sure more. And I’m not even buying anything fancy.  But now the baby is born and you have to buy nursing bras, which are a whole other type of expensive.  Speaking of which, do you know they make lingerie nursing bras???  WHO ARE YOU THAT IS BUYING THIS??  “Hey baby, come look at how sexy I am with all this milk in this sexy milky bra… reoow”.  that’s my attempt at writing sexy… it’s about as good as my attempt to be sexy in real life. Yeah I totally want a sexy lacy nursing bra, especially right after I have a baby, really especially want to feel sexy in a milk soaked bra after he’s been nursing for 12 hours a day and I haven’t slept all night… off track, sorry. And I have no doubt some of my friends bought these sexy nursing bras, and good for you, I’m not making fun of you, I’m making fun of me.

Then you stop nursing, so you’re like “cool I can wear my old bras”. No, you can’t.  Nothing is the same anymore. Nothing. Do you get what I’m saying? Nothing.   Noth…ing.

So I bought this random new size that made me so ugh to buy, but it fit, but I was so done, like, what now… Now this is my new size for life? This is huge, I don’t want to be this. And this was like 6 months after I stopped nursing, so I just didn’t get it, I didn’t know that happened.

Well that lasted for a month then I needed to go buy more in a smaller size, a size smaller than even BEFORE I was pregnant.   So what the could have possibly happened to make that happen??? I’m so over it… my new solution is the best solution, and considering I don’t ever go out in public, my solution of just not wearing one seems to be working great for me, my bank account, and the guy who comes to our door to deliver the packages I order off Amazon.

Breech FML

The other day I was lying on the couch, and Max was sitting on my stomach then flailed himself backwards to lie down. He has no idea how to properly lie down, so as dangerously violent as possible he just falls backwards onto nothing. Poor little guy has so much trust in the world, like there’ll always be a soft little pillow behind him to fall back on and not a sharp jagged brick with racoon poop on it.

He flails back and lands his head on my legs. Then kicks off my stomach to scoot down further, and two kicks later, legit kicked me in the junk. Like so hard. SO HARD! I had this amazing flashback to when I was pregnant, it was like in one of those really well directed movies that my ‘I’ve-been-awake-since-4am-brain’ isn’t allowing me to remember the name of right now. Where the camera quickly zooms out to a flashback, and all these scenes just flash before you. And within that flashback was the memory of when he was breech.

He went breech twice, because he likes to test my patience and ability to handle stress. And the first time he did it I was in a meeting with an account manager who was telling me about an email deployment or probably something more important that I couldn’t pay attention to, and I felt him turn around. Like I actually felt it, and she was talking to me and all I could think of was “what. the. fuck. was. that.” like a whole 8 month old person just flipped over in my body. I knew exactly what had just happened, there’s no mistaking that feeling. I tried to ignore it and deny it and pretend it didn’t happen, because I didn’t wanna deal with anymore pregnancy nonsense, since I had the best pregnancy ever until month 8 when every day something went wrong, and now this?!

Late that night we went to Wal Mart, I’m sure for some stupid craving I had of like canned beans and liquorice. And as I’m walking through the frozen fish section, oh… it’s so hard to even type this because I can feel it again. He kicked downwards. HE KICKED DOWNARDS! There’s no way you reading this will understand how fucking fucked that is. HE KICKED DOWNWARDS!!!!!!! DO YOU GET IT? UGHHHHH I can’t even type this, I’m actually cringing right now and maybe possibly crying.

So at the highlight moment of my life, I’m standing in a Wal Mart fish isle at 11pm at night, I’m grabbing the fish freezer with the deathliest death grip ever and crying, because a person within my body has just kicked down basically out of my body. I was sure a foot must have been dangling out at that point, it hurt so bad there’s no way something didn’t just come out. I checked. He was still contained. And then I cried… I cried in the fish isle of Wal Mart in the middle of a late night shopping trip to get beans, liquorice, and probably what turned into $80.00 worth of other food that I randomly craved when I saw it in the isle.

I stood there and I cried and I wanted to barf. If you know me, you know I had an irrational fear of child birth. Wait, irrational isn’t the right word… I think everyone must be afraid that a human is coming out of a part of their body that isn’t probably human sized. But I mean I was really insane about it…I convinced myself it wasn’t even happening, but I’m saving those details for another post. All I’m saying is, I’m crying in Wal Mart because I realized in that moment that “OMG nothing even came out just now and that hurt more than anything I’ve ever felt in my life times a gazillion billion”, like it’s not even a comparable hurt to ANYTHING ever. AND NOTHING CAME OUT!?!?! So imagine how much worse it’s gonna be when it comes out?!?!??

So you know what’s really weird? And this is messed up… that kick in the Wal Mart fish isle, was literally way worse than him actually coming out. Although I feel like when you’re in labour your not really paying attention, so maybe it wasn’t worse… but when I think back to how much both of those events sucked, I really distinctly remember the Wal Mart kick as way way worse. Although when I read this back to myself, it really downplays the child birth part… friends don’t read this wrong, that super sucked too. It sucked A LOT. Like worse than anything ever. There was screaming and crying, like lots of screaming, and swearing obviously. But on a level playing field, I swear to god, that Wal Mart kick… nothing compares. Long story short, I can’t buy fish at Wal Mart anymore because it’s bad memories, and not buying fish at Wal Mart seems like a big win in the end run anyway.

Toddler Tantrums

I can’t afford Stock images, you should be happy you’re at least getting this. #Watermark

People read too much, I think. I mean, far be it for me to judge anything anyone does, because I couldn’t care less about anyone else’s life (except for anti vacciners…you’re the worst and I do judge you).  But I just found out there are all these books on toddler tantrums and how to deal with them. I’m part of this mom’s group online (god help me, I used to be cool and fun and now I’m just a fat mom at home on the Internet all day). Anyway, this forum has this huge thread right now going of “my 14 month old is throwing all these tantrums and I don’t know what to do!?!? Are there any books that can help me??” and all these replies asking the same thing, and then others offering good books to read about it.   I just don’t understand though why you need a book???  Here are how I handle tantrums, without reading any books…

Level 1 tantrum – I want to play with a toy but I can’t reach it and life fucking sucks, so I’m going to sit here and cry instead

Solution: I get the toy and give him a hug

Level 2 tantrum – Fuck your hug, I really am pissed I wanted to get that toy myself even though there was no possible chance of me reaching it, and now I’m going to throw all the other toys in protest. I also really want to play with daddy’s screwdriver he left within arm’s reach of me because he doesn’t listen to mommy when she talks about safety, and I don’t care what you say because I’m going to get it and if I don’t get it then I want something else unsafe to play with or LIFE ISN’T FAIR!!!

Solution: Distraction! I’ll play with the toy instead and you’ll forget why you’re crying, god willing. I will also discreetly hide this sharp screwdriver that Brian left out, even after I told him to put it away. I really feel like once you’re married and have a baby, you basically have two kids. A post for another time though.

Level 3 tantrum – I want the iPad but you won’t let me play with it and also the battery is dead because I played Elmo Calls for 3 hours straight (don’t judge my mom, she has a broken ankle STFU!). I also want to open the window and try and get outside, and you’re the meanest mom because you won’t let me! You keep me trapped in here like a caged bird, but I just want to fly and you don’t understand my needs and wants! You think all i want is my diaper changed? I don’t give any shit about a diaper change, I want to play on the roof god damn it! With the iPad that won’t turn on!! What’s wrong with you?? I’m going to scream and cry and make faces and pretend to barf and throw anything in my way until you let me do all of this and in the perfect order that I’m not going to verbalize but you have to guess and if you guess wrong I’m going to scream even louder and then hit you in the face!!

Solution: Hide the iPad and distraction again while I stand around laughing at him. Although I used to try and tickle him to make him laugh, now it just pisses him off and puts him in level 5 tantrum.

Level 4 tantrum – I HATE YOU!! REALLY WANT THAT iPad!!!!!!!!! And I hate this house! And I hate everything about the world. I’m going to scream and flail around and throw everything around me, and probably also hit you again. And why did you read me my favourite book 3 times in a row when you KNOW I wanted you to read it 2.5 times in a row while skipping pages 6 and 9, and doing the funny hippo voice on page 10 only, and why are you turning the pages so fast so slow so fast too slow!?!?!  Why are you so mean to me?????? i’m going to cry as long as I can, and beg you to pick me up until you do pick me up then I’m going to scream to be put back down right away then scream to be picked up again and back down again over and over and over again until you learn your lesson, and I’m going to make it so difficult to pick me up and then go all limp when you do get me in your arms, then flail backwards as hard as I can in a dangerous fashion just so you KNOW that I want to be put down to be picked up again. Maybe you should have read those books, huh??

Solution: Stand around and laugh until it’s over, but pick him up when he wants. Although pick him up over something soft, because he really does launch himself out of my arms in an awesomely dangerous way.

Level 5 tantrum – You are the WORST parents ever, I just want the iPad! And I also want chocolate ice cream for dinner and I’m not going to eat anything else until I get it. And anything you put in front of me I will throw on the floor to ensure a huge mess while i’m crying and screaming.  Also add in all the other tantrum levels, and maybe oh yes.. maybe I will also cry for ABSOLUTELY NO REASON WHATSOEVER, so you can stand around and guess for hours but you’ll never figure it out. And if you think you figured it out, I’ll just lose my mind over something else, like maybe that fork is too shiny!! Why is that fork so shiny??? I’m going to cry as loud as I can now and throw the fork at your face! Your stupid mom face who doesn’t seem to give a shit about anything I want obviously?!

Solution: Remove food to stop mess, then stand back and laugh at tantrum until it’s over

That’s basically it. With varying degrees of how the tantrum goes, I mean it can be screaming, throwing, hitting, flailing, rolling around like a dork, but the key point… I just ignore it and laugh hahah.  I mean I do what I can for him, but for the most part I just ignore him. There’s no way I can explain to him why he can’t sit on the outside of the car during a car ride, or why he can’t have my glass of wine for dinner, so if he wants to lose his shit about it, then I feel like that’s fairly normal part of life and I just let it happen. If he needs consoling, I console… but other than that, it’s all about ignoring and distraction tactics.

Hmm I think maybe these books are just people saying what i’m saying except they can word it so it fits in a whole book?  I have no idea. Or maybe not, maybe ignoring it makes your kid turn into an asshole, I don’t know or care. Anyone read any bullshit toddler tantrum books?? I wonder what they say you’re “supposed” to do? I feel like my solutions are working perfectly, so I can’t imagine anything else, and also I like my solutions, they make me laugh and eventually he laughs and everyone wins.  Maybe don’t waste your money on the books and just read my tips above. Then send me the money you would have spent on the book and I’ll buy another iPad charger and he can chill the fuck out about the iPad. He’s so obsessed, it’s unfortunate… but broken ankle so STFU.

Father’s Day II/Kissing Babies


Is it inappropriate to kiss your baby on the mouth?!?!?!  Brian says you aren’t supposed to do it, but 1. I can’t help it and 2. I don’t care.  I Googled it because now i’m nervous that I’m disgusting, but it seems to be a grey area all over the Internet.  I mean it has its con’s, one time I went for a kiss and he opened his mouth and it was awkward… but that was just one time. Shit, ok, i’m not gonna do it anymore, now that I write about it, maybe it is weird. No one tells you any baby rules!!!!! They tell you don’t lie them on their stomaches because SIDS!!!!!!!  That’s all they tell you! Oh and to make sure you breastfeed, otherwise they get asthma. That’s for sure why I have asthma. Way to go mom.

Unrelated… I’m trying to figure out what to do for Father’s Day, and fucking Pinterest makes me feel so motivated and subpar all at the same time.  I spent over an hour (and 16 Google Chrome tabs) planning some cool stuff, and then a total of literally 10 seconds being like “ya as if I’m EVEN going to go to the store to buy these cookie cutters, sprinkles, a scalpel, duct tape, and a tub of margin” let alone come home and put it together and bake it. I’m just gonna phone in Father’s Day and blame it on my ankle. OH WAIT maybe I can get this nanny to bust something for me?? Is that allowed?  I don’t know how nanny’s work, she seems to be willing to do anything I ask her so far. She’s cleaning my stove and doing my laundry as I type this. I feel like such a baller, is this what most people feel like?? I can’t remember what it was like to work and have money!!  Although it’s so super weird that someone else is doing my laundry. Now more people than just me know that I still exclusively only wear my maternity underwear. THEY’RE SO COMFORTABLE, SHUT UP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!