Just Another Logan Story

How do you handle kids who are assholes?  Because I’m still at a loss.

We were at Yuppy Hipster Playville and Logan #13 was climbing something random and unsafe. First you should visualize Logan13… he’s 5 years old, very manicured blonde hair, and he’s wearing a $70.00 Hudson’s Bay lambswool cardigan to a heated indoor play centre where children climb, push, run, crawl, duck, sneeze, cough, spill, poop, barf, and everything in between. So needless to say for starters, he’s very sweaty. But he’s fancy, so whatever, maybe I’m jealous.

Max starts climbing the safe part of this play structure which is clearly for toddlers (why is it clearly for toddlers? Because anyone over 35 inches tall can’t fit up the ladder). But, Logan13 figured out how to get up that ladder in his fancy sweaty cardigan that I hope he ripped on the way up because why are you making your kid wear a fancy cardigan to a play place?! Don’t answer that, I know why.

Max is about to go down the slide at the top of the tower, and Logan13 sits behind him and yells “GO DOWN”. And Max looks and laughs because Max is a dork. So Max is about to go down the slide when LoganShitface13 KICKS HIM IN THE BACK! Someone’s 5 year old kid just kicked my year and a half year old kid in the back. Holy shit. A new emotion surfaces within my body that I didn’t know existed.

My first reaction was to look around for Logan13’s parents, but this child is kicking a toddler while wearing a Hudson’s Bay cardigan IN A PLAYCENTRE, I like to maybe imagine his parents couldn’t give any less fucks about what he does, so long as he’s pretty looking. And he was.  His parents aren’t anywhere around, what do I do!? Can i discipline someone else’s child?! Probably not. Most likely not. So very calmly I’m like “please don’t kick him” and little fucking asshole as opposed to being a kid and being all “ok sorry” like the way most kids talk to stranger adults, he says to me “WELL MAKE HIM GO DOWN THEN!”. It’s. Fucking. On.

I want to note that Max wasn’t sitting there holding up the slide for others. This all took place in the span of 15 seconds, maybe not even. Max was legit about to go right down the slide when that dick kicked him in the back.  So I say to Logan13, (and screw this I’m having an actual stupid conversation where I try to reason with a 5 year old)… “He’s going down, but no need to kick anyone”. WHAT DOES HE DO?? HE KICKS HIM AGAIN IN THE BACK!!!!!!!!!!!

So I obviously lost my shit. “You know, WE DON’T KICK PEOPLE!!!!!!!! WE DO NOT KICK PEOPLE!!!” I had hoped his parents would have heard me, but shockingly, still not to be found. SHOCKING.

How do you handle other people’s jerk kids?! There’s no rule book for this. I’m great at babysitting and watching people’s kids, but I’m really terrible at handling total random stranger’s asshole kids obviously. Most likely because I shouldn’t have to. Maybe just maybe I also yelled at him so I could see what type of parents put their kid in a lambs wool expensive cardigan to play in all day.