Category Archives: Weight

Worst Mom Ever (but probably not)

Eff, I haven’t updated this in forever. I’ve been busy and in a funk, and when in a funk, I can’t be funny nor do I care to write anything. ANYWAY, you know what sucks about SAHMing? Basically nothing, it’s great… the only tiny downside is, literally all my friends are gone. I mean, most of them – not all of them, but a good chunk.

After I had Max I swore I wouldn’t change into “that mom”, and I didn’t. I tried so hard to stay the same and still hang out with all my friends, and I did it successfully, it was amazing. Then I don’t know what happened, but I guess if you don’t go to work long enough, or don’t go out every few days, everyone moves on. It’s understandable, I knew it wouldn’t happen. It feels like crap, but I knew it would happen. Also those fucking emails from LinkedIn saying so and so got promoted or got a new job, those are killer. But that only lasts a minute then I go get my nose picked by my 13 month old and I feel infinitely better for the rest of the day. He’s so fucking great, like honestly… this new 13 month old phase is my favourite one. He’s turned into a real person, it’s just the greatest , although I do miss when he liked to cuddle, since he won’t allow me to do that for even a second anymore without him slapping me in the face. Ungrateful!

This is depressing, let me see what I can write about that’s more engaging. Maybe how Max threw up in his grandmother’s mouth two weeks ago? OH Maybe how I have a dirty fucking mouth**, and Max is learning to talk now and among the 10 words he knows, one of them is “shit”. I don’t even stop him because I think it’s hilarious that he swears. I’m the worst parent ever. People shouldn’t be allowed to have kids whenever they want, they should have to pass a test or something… a test I would obvs fail, but nonetheless.

What else have I done that’s terrible? Hmmm… oh last week I was so tired that I let him use my iPhone for an hour and a half. Then when he was done with it, i’m like “NO! Keep playing with it, i’m tired”. WORST. Brian was sick for almost 2 weeks and then he was at a conference for a whole weekend right after that, so I had Max all to myself for 3 straight weeks. I don’t know how single parents do it, you’re amazing, I can’t even tell you how amazing because I can’t understand how you do it.

Anyway, it’s funny when they’re all new and everything and you only feed them organic homemade baby food on sterilized spoons that are only to be used once and you must wear gloves and wash your hands a million times and don’t touch them!! DON’T!!!! Then something happens, they become real people and you’re like IDGAF I just want you to be happy and you start feeding them McDonald’s and giving them all the TV they can handle and then some.

Oh no, wait you don’t do that? No, you probably don’t because you’re a good parent and I’m a lazy terrible one*.

 

*I may be terrible, but Max learned to count to 2 last week at 13 months old. So there’s that.

**I actually cold turkey stopped swearing (out-loud) a couple weeks ago, and it’s been going great, so hopefully he only will ever know that one swear.

The picture today is the reason I decided to get a personal trainer 2 weeks ago that I can’t even afford in the least. I found this pic on my hard drive and it’s me 5 months pregnant. And then I wanted to die because I currently look 7 months pregnant, yet I’m zero months pregnant, I think. So if I can get my body back into even 5 months pregnant, I’d be happy with just that goal. #SadLazyDepressing

Tummy Tuck

Elmo

This is so embarrassing… when I was pregnant I got these two tiny stretch marks. It was like month 8 and I was regaling in the fact that I went the whole way with no stretch marks. Then god slapped me in the face and was like “haha no!!” and out popped these two stupid tiny pink things, I didn’t even know what it was until afterwards because I was too busy lamenting that my belly button used to be an inny.

Anyway… today I was in the shower (first shower in three days, pretty awesome) and I thought they were gone. I looked in the mirror and YES THEY TOTALLY DISAPPEARED. So my first, literally my first thought was like “omg this is so awesome, I can wear a bikini again!!!”. I”M SUCH A FUCKING IDIOT. As if I can wear a bikini ever again!? I literally stood in the bathroom thinking about how stupid I was for even thinking that I could ever ever wear a bikini again.

I’m so fat. I mean, I was always kinda fat but I was fine with it. Then I had Max and now I’m actually legit fat. I can’t even lose this weight. I weigh 5lbs more than I did before I had Max, I can’t lose it. No matter what I do. And for some reason, this 5lbs looks more like 30lbs. To the point where I was SURE the scale was wrong. I tried four different scales, they’re all the same… it makes no sense. It’s 5 POUNDS, how can it have dispersed to look like 30 pounds?? I’m now totally that fat mom I used to make fun of before I had a baby. It’s just karma for me being such a cunt to everyone all the time. I get it. Thanks.

My clothes don’t even fit anymore, I bought all new clothes. In fact, I gave up and bought only all new mom clothes. Disgusting mom jeans and everything… which by the way I don’t even wear, because I’m still in my pyjamas all day every day. I really really gave up really really quickly. I don’t even have a reason or excuse for being so lazy anymore, I just don’t even care. It’s gonna be really hard when I do go back to work and have to actually get myself ready to be in public. And not “mom public” because I already am in “mom public” where no one really gives a shit what we look like because we all “know”. I have to be in “work public” where I have to wear clean pants that don’t have poop/barf/pee/food/crumbs/stains of things I don’t even know what they are/old sauces/milk on them. And probably am gonna have to go back to wearing regular underwear and not my comfy maternity underwear. You see? I really really gave up. I totally get it if Brian cheats on me, like i’m actually right now on this blog giving you permission, because i’m disgusting.

I totally lost track of what I was saying… Oh ya bikini… oh god I think Max might have just fallen out of his crib. Gah! Ok he didn’t, I think it was a garbage truck. Train of thought over, blog post over. In summary… I need a tummy tuck. And stretch marks can disappear if you ask/pray nicely over and over and over again.

Side: Some people told me I should add more photos to this blog, and I agree. But I’m lazy, so I’m just going to add random photos. The photo for this post is me spending my time Dustbusting Elmo, because Max’s poop was coming out red and I thought he was sick. When in reality he was just eating Elmo’s fur. True story.