Category Archives: Uncategorized

It Gets Easier

So, I stopped writing. Not just for this blog. But all together. Truth be told, over the past few years I wrote five different blogs and two books. Most of which existed only on my desktop. But I enjoy writing. Its my favourite hobby and has been for at least 20 years. I stopped though. I stopped painting, drawing and sketching also. Max takes up most of my time, but even my little free time I have – I stopped.

I stopped a little over year ago after my first miscarriage. It’s been a year. Fuck. It’s also been 8 months since my second miscarriage. It’s been a year since I was that Melissa that I knew my whole life. I feel like normal me is never coming back and that stresses me out every day.

Everyone says it gets easier. They’re right. But not easy enough.  Not like how it used to be.

I’m defined by those two events. I used to be defined by who I felt I was and the awesome things I did, this sarcastic funny social planning super dork with annoying organizational skills who was always relaxed with an IDGAF attitude about everything – with not a care in the world. I mean, of course I had things to care about, but nothing that defined who I was or that I focused on all that much.

These two events though, they shape what defines me now. Because I can’t escape them, nor do I want to. They happened and they’re there, and they’ll always be there. Even on the best of days, they still happened.

I can’t say the M word. I keep calling it “that baby stuff that happened. ” I’m impressed with myself for mentioning it above in this post.

It’s a weird feeling to be so happy with your life, but with this underlying horribleness  there at random times. I love my project management job, I love my real estate job, I love that I’ve gotten to spend every day all day with max for almost 3 years, I love Brian, I love my house. I love my amazing friends. But there’s always that underlying stuff that creeps up every now and then that’s like “ya you’re life is amazing and I’m so glad you’re happy but don’t forget about what happened last year”. The voice moderate resembles Kanye West as I read this back. Which will now make it a little but more palatable moving forward.

I haven’t slept since the second one. I’m tired. I’m exhausted. I have the same nightmare about it every single night. And I’m exhausted.

Everyone says it gets easier. It does. But it’s not easy enough.

It’s been a year. I need to get my shit together. I’m going to start writing again. I don’t know if it’ll be the same. I’m pushing myself to write again. I don’t want to write. I’m forcing myself do it. I’ve been sick all day week (I wrote this a week ago and keep revisiting it because i’m too scared to post it.) thinking about having to post this, to finish writing it, to share it, to do anything to it. I don’t want to do it. I’m not brave enough. I don’t want people to know. My heart rate is 134bpm right now as I read this back, knowing that I have to post it soon. I’m sweating and I want to throw up.

I sound depressed. I’m not. Life is great and I’m happy all he time, I’m probably annoyingly happy. I just hate talking or thinking about this.

I carry this secret around. I’m the most open person on the planet (as proven by an old blog post open where I explain the horrifying grotesque details of childbirth.) But this… This I’ve kept a secret from everyone except a few close friends.

And that secret made me stop writing. I can’t write a blog post but not write about those events, because they’re there whether I write about them or not. So I don’t write. Because I don’t want to write about them. I don’t know why I didn’t want to. I did want to. I just also didn’t want to. I don’t want people to know. Why don’t I want people to know?  I don’t know. I don’t want the sympathy, I don’t want people to think about it when they think about me, I’m ashamed about it, it’s not anyone’s business, and I can think of a hundred more reasons.  I don’t know… I just don’t like the thought of people knowing about it.

No one talks about it. Until it happens. Then you find out it’s happened to the majority of people you know. And you feel so much better knowing that other people know what you’re going thought and that they’re fine so you’ll be fine.

And I hate that I added myself to the list of people that don’t talk about it. Because if everyone talked about it, it would be less shit. It would still be shit but a fraction of a tiny percent less. So I don’t know why I didn’t talk about it. I’m begrudgingly writing this. It’s been a year and I need to get my shit together.

They say it gets easier. And it does. I don’t cry about it anymore. That’s a lie I’m crying right now and every now and then. But typically I don’t anymore. I’m talking to friends again. I can see pregnant people again and not care. Ultrasound photos still kill me. New babies I can handle though, it’s weird.

It gets easier. It’s never the same as it was, but it gets easier. If you’re going though it, as corny as it is… you aren’t alone. And it does help to hear that.  And don’t stay silent. And it will get easier. And I KNOW you don’t want to hear that because you don’t want it to get easier because it’s horrible and unimaginable and why and how should it get easier. But in a few months you’ll remember thinking about me telling you it’ll get easier and you’ll realize all of the sudden that it did get easier. And you’ll feel relief at the tiniest little weight being lifted off even if just for a moment realizing that it isn’t as bad now as it was when it happened.  And that’s what easier is. And every day a little bit more. And some days a little bit less. And it will  be one of the things that defines you. And I don’t know if that’s a good thing or a bad thing, but it’s here now and it happened and we continue our lives and try to find normalcy in what is now the new normal. It does get easier. It’s not the same, but it’s easier.

#BackToWriting

You Won’t Ever Sleep Again, Baby (A Handy Dandy List)

You’ll never sleep again after you have a kid. I’m sure everyone has told you that. But I’m just confirming the fact that they are all correct. The thing is, before you have kids you’ll be all “my kid will sleep just fine, so I’ll sleep just fine” or “It’s only a few months of no sleep, then it gets better“. You would be wrong on both accounts.  In fact, if you don’t  have kids, you won’t even understand this post. Because when people say you’ll never sleep again… they actually mean it. Never. Again.

And it comes in phases, and the no sleep phase starts well before the baby is even out. The last good sleep I had was May 2012. It’s not like you don’t sleep anymore. It’s just a different kind of sleep. I’ve outlined in it real nice for you, because you’re too tired to read anything non list formatted. I get it. don’t worry.

Phases of “You Will Never Ever Sleep Again”:

1. You’re pregnant
It’s 2am and your pregnancy insomnia just kicked in. It’s 3am you’re back asleep. It’s 4:30am you wake up feeling like someone just took a knife and jabbed it into your hip, twisted it a bit, then kicked you in the spleen. It’s 5am, you wake up because you just had a dream of the labour and the baby came out missing an eye and wtf is he ok?? Up for the day.

2. Baby arrives
8 week shit-show commences, quiet literally. Babies don’t have their circadian rhythm set yet. What does that mean (because I know you aren’t googling it)? It means they know fuck all about day vs. night. No word of a lie for at least 8 weeks, most likely more but the “remembering” portion of my brain just can’t… I “slept” sitting up in bed with my head against a wall, in 45 minute increments for 8 weeks.

3. Circadian Rhythm Synced
So now your baby is 3 months old and he’s sleeping at night. I use the term sleeping really loosely though, let’s not get ahead of ourselves. Don’t forget to wake him up every 3 hours to feed him. Also don’t forget that feeding him takes at least what? 30 minutes?  And remember putting them back down takes time too. By the time the process is over, you lie back in bed, try to fall asleep, getting really really mad at yourself because you can’t fall back asleep that fast, your anger keeps you up longer, and just as you doze, it’s time to feed them again. SUCKA!

4. SIDS
God help me. If at any time your baby is actually sleeping, you are not. Because you are trying to make sure they are breathing. Because SIDS is a legit thing that even though we have computers, 3D printers, and fancy things now, they haven’t eradicated it yet (I know that’s the wrong word, and I don’t care). So you wake up and see if they’re breathing, then you go back to sleep, then you wake up 30 minutes later and repeat the process all night long. Literally, all night long until the sun comes out and you start crying because you realize that was your sleep for the night. And I don’t know when this ends, because last week Max slept in until 9:30am (he’s always up at 7am) and I had to go make sure he was breathing. Which is ridiculous. I’m an idiot.

5. Sleeping through the night
At about 8 months maybe? Babies are “supposed” to sleep through he night. (You know, I used to know all these stupid milestones and now I’ve forgotten them, and that makes me a better person). So your baby is finally sleeping through he night! Congratualtions. Don’t forget SIDS. Don’t you fucking sleep!!! WHAT IF THEY AREN’T BREATHING?? And every other “what if” will run through your head every time you doze until either the sun comes up or they start crying then you start crying… I mean why is he sleeping this long? He must be hungry, maybe I should go feed him, I don’t know. Maybe I should bring him into bed with me so we can bond? What if he goes to college and doesn’t even like me because we didn’t co-sleep? How will I pay for college?What if he is never independent because we did co-sleep? What are we going to do all long boring day tomorrow?? I wonder if I’m a good mom? What if i’m not?? I wish I could make cool mom friends and not bitchy bitch mom friends. Should I go back to work or stay at home? Oh it’s 7am, the day starts now. Refreshing 20 minute sleep tonight.

5.5 I am very fucking weary of the fact that your baby actually sleeps through the night at 8 months or whatever. I feel like all the moms got the email blast from Babycentre saying “your baby is now sleeping through the night!” milestone thing, and then just started telling everyone that theirs was. And at the time, you want to kill yourself because why is everyone else getting to sleep and you aren’t?! It’s only at 18 months now that I realize those moms/dads are lying bitches. I don’t know if they lie to make themselves feel less tired, or because they want to pretend they’re better than you. Probably both. Moms can be super bitches, in case you haven’t gotten that yet from reading this blog.

6. Spidey Senses
Ok let’s pretend that at 12 months they legit actually start sleeping through the night. YOU FINALLY DONT HAVE TO WAKE UP EVERY FEW HOURS.  Except.. .wait for it… YOU WILL NEVER SLEEP AGAIN. Who cares if your baby is sleeping through the night!? It’s been so long now, why would you remember how to do that?? Your senses will never ever ever allow you to ever get back in that deep sleep mode again. Case in point, Max coughed one little tiny quiet cough at 2am, I wasn’t worried, he’s not sick, nothing’s wrong, but mom-senses woke me up to let me know he coughed, and now even though I went to sleep at 12:30am #HugeMistake, I’m awake writing this at 2:30am because of his cough.  Literally, every single little sound no matter what, will wake you up. NO MATTER WHAT!! I don’t know when this will stop!? My guess is never. My guess is my senses are super heightened for the rest of my life, and I’ve already had my last good sleep. 

The. Worst. Story. Ever.

God, I remember when I was pushing and he’s not coming out (most likely because he’s so comfy in there just chilling, now that I know his personality, that’s so something he would do), my midwife is like “I think the issue is there isn’t enough room for him to come out”.  I FUCKING TOLD EVERYONE THIS ALREADY.   I used to say “I really don’t know how babies fit out!! I feel like they don’t.” I was right. I’m always right about everything, like really… I’m right 99% of my life.  So the doctor has to take over for the midwife now and I just want to go home and figure it out myself… and the midwife says all casual like no big deal “Baby is stuck, there isn’t enough room to come out”. And it was at this point in my life, that I learned a person’s whole entire arm can fit inside someone’s body.

“Oh no, there’s lots of room” says the doctor, while her 12 students watch on in delight, eager eyes wide open and glowing like it’s Christmas morning.  Midwife checks again, “no no he’s stuck, there really isn’t”. Doctor checks again, so now there have been three arms in my body, two of them from the same person though, so not so bad I suppose. Sigh. So now the doctor is all “ok cool let’s just make room then if that’s what you think” then she cackled like an evil doctor and grew bat wings and flew around the room spitting fire at me because she’s the devil.  “Made room?”  What do you mean she made room?  Well she made room. She made room with her arm, thanks to a bunch of medieval torture devices, her elbow and who knows what else.  I’m sure Brian knows what else because he was down there watching it all while I was staring at the ceiling crying and screaming.

After I was screaming at the top of my lungs to the doctor to stop, just leave it alone (she told me to stop screaming and I told her to fuck off. Which in retrospect is horrible, but it was reactionary.)  I just laid there thinking “I can’t believe someone just did that to me”. And I’m fairly sure I should have been thinking about pushing, or my health, or the baby’s health, getting the baby out because he still wasn’t out yet. But no, my brain couldn’t even process what just happened. I felt feel so violated, and I remember telling my brain “you can’t feel violated right now, you’re having a baby… back to the task at hand!”  God, I wish it was just a hand, not an arm and elbow (or three). and honestly, if you’re already there… why not just grab him? You obviously had him, just tug him out!  Like this is the worst!! I think about this all the time. Don’t put your arm in someone’s body!! I don’t’ care if you’re a doctor or whatever the profession or lifestyle you choose. You just don’t do it.

Oh man, I hope Max reads this when he’s older, so our family dinners become super duper awkward

Womp womp

Oh my god, this sucks so bad. It’s so nice out and I’m stuck on my couch doing nothing. The worst part of it is, I feel so fucking bad for Max. I haven’t been able to hold him in days, and he knows something’s up because instead of playing with his toys in his toy area (where he always usually is), he’s just been sitting and standing in front of the couch, where I am. I wanna hold him so bad!! We sit on the couch together, so that’s nice… but it’s not the same. I hear him crying and I can’t do anything for him, I hear him talking and only I know what he’s saying or asking for and I can’t get it for him so it’s really frustrating for both him and me because he’s not getting the things he’s used to getting.  Right now he’s awake in his crib and Brian is sleeping still, and I can’t go get him or do anything. He’s just lying there awake, and there’s no way I can even get Brian’s attention upstairs to wake him up to go get him.  This is THE WORST!!!

I wanna take him to the park, I wanna feed him his lunch, I wanna change his diapers, I wanna carry him around the house and show him things and make him laugh like we always do, and I can’t do any of it.  And every time the weather forecast comes on I get so angry and sad because they keep talking about how perfect it is, and I want Max outside playing but there’s no one to take him out there to play, and even if there was, I’m so beyond sad that I can’t be out there playing with him!!  This is fucking depressing, I shouldn’t even be writing this post.   Please disregard. >_<

Canada’s Wonderland Is Anti Baby Food

When I was a kid, we ALWAYS had season passes to Canada’s Wonderland, and we went all the time. So I was super excited to finally be able to take M there. Being a stay at home mom, I couldn’t even wait to basically live our summer at Wonderland, especially SplashWorks, I figured he’d love it since he loves swimming so much.

We bought our season passes a few months ago, and this weekend was literally the first warm weekend in forever, so we headed up there for the first time this morning.  Too bad it turned into such a stupid catastrophe after such a long drive, like literally a whole day planned gone to waste, and 2.5 hours of driving for nothing on the first nice day of the year. #Fail

We got to Canada’s Wonderland at around 10:30am and waited in the Season Pass line to get our passes set up, they told us to go to the “strollers only” line, since we had our stroller with us. So we’re waiting behind another family with a stroller who’s having an argument with the gate checker guy about what food they can bring in. I couldn’t hear much of it, but I saw him grab a cheese string from her lunch pail and a granola bar and say “you can only bring one of these in”. They then argued about it forever while we all waited in line… until finally she agreed to toss the cheese string. She asked where she should throw it out and he told her “put it in this bucket, we donate it to the food bank”. It was a bucket full of items that had been sitting the sun all morning, super awesome.  I didn’t really question that I personally couldn’t bring food in, because I thought maybe she was bringing a ton of food and maybe that wasn’t allowed? I have no idea.

So we were next and went up there and he checks our bag, and then opens M’s lunch box and this is what happened:

Gate Guy: You can’t bring all this food in here
Me: Oh, well it’s for our baby
Gate Guy: This is a lot of food for a baby
Me: It’s just a baby sized yogurt, a baby food packet, and a baby sized peanut butter sandwich.
Gate Guy: He can only have one snack. That’s our policy.
Me: It’s not his snack, it’s his lunch
Gate Guy: If he needs lunch you can buy it in the park
Me: He’s a BABY!! He can’t eat that food, he has like two teeth, first of all… secondly he needs his baby food, amongst other things.
Gate Guy: Why does he need all this food?? It’s a lot of food for him. Just bring one thing in, that’s all he should need. (seriously?!)
Me: (I didn’t even know what to say to that, I was so legit speechless).
Gate Guy: Listen, you should be thankful I’m being very lenient to you right now by letting you bring in two of these items, because you’re only allowed one snack!! And I’m letting you bring in two of them.
Me: Can I speak to a manager please?
Gate Guy: Yes (proceeds to call security over instead)
Security (Looks through our stuff) : You can only bring in one item. the rest of the food you have to buy in park.
Me: I know that, but this is baby food. For a baby. He needs his baby food, I can’t buy that in the park.
Security: Our policy is one snack item
Me: BUT HE’S A BABY!! I understand you want us to buy food in there, and we will… we brought no lunch or snacks for ourselves, we planned on buying in there. But our baby needs his own food.
Security: Ok i’ll let you in this once with all three items
Me: What happens next time? We have a seasons pass…
Security: next time I can’t guarantee they’ll let you in.
Me: This is crazy!! I want to refund my pass, how do I do that?
Security: (with a stupid ass smirk on his face) We don’t give refunds, good luck, you can talk to guest services.

 /end

 SO SPEECHLESS!!!!  I totally get why you can’t bring your own food in, and I’m not questioning how or why this policy is in effect, but I’m saying I had a baby with me who could only eat the small things i brought for him for a bunch of different reasons!! AND ALSO why are you questioning why my baby needs all this food? And why are you TELLING ME THAT HE DOESN’T NEED ALL THAT FOOD??  LIKE HOW DO YOU KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT HIM?? How do you know anything about how much food any baby eats?? It’s so beyond ridiculous, I don’t even know what to say. Also, IT WASN’T A LOT OF FOOD. It was 3 tiny items!!

 I’m pretty sad that we aren’t going to spend our summer there now, we refunded our passes after being super pissy with guest services, which took another half an hour. Because I’m not going to go through that nonsense every single time i go there, and more importantly I’m so disgustingly offended by that whole situation, that why would I ever even want to go there?? LAST POINT… HE’S A BABY!!!!!!! Dear Wonderland, I’m sorry that my child screwed with your profits so badly by bringing his three items in with him.  I’ve honest to god never been so shocked by such insane treatment in my entire life. And I feel so super bad for M now because he had to spend the first nice weekend of the year just in the car driving all morning for nothing. 🙁

KThxBai

Fancy readers, last week I made the mistake of making my blog public. And if you know me, you know I couldn’t give two shits about what people say and think about me. Having said that, don’t talk shit about Max… he’s a fucking baby, jesus christ. The internet is full of dumb cunts, I’m aware of that. I’m also aware that people are generally grumpy assholes, especially when hiding behind a computer screen. And I’d rather not be reminded of what terrible assholes are actually out there, I like living in my “everything is great” bubble and surrounding myself with wonderful positive happy people. Because really, everything actually is great – life is perfect for me right now, and I wouldn’t change any of it for anything. I have the best friends, the best husband, and the BEST baby on the planet who I get to spend all day with walking in my new awesome neighbourhood while singing awesome songs that he loves dancing and laughing too. THERE IS NOTHING BETTER!!

Conversely, I’ll be shutting down this very lucrative money making blog today. Because as much as I don’t give a shit about what anyone says to me, it’s getting increasingly difficult to read people tell me that my son should have a different mother because I swear too much. I couldn’t care any tiny bit less than I do right now of what strangers think, but just reading the words “you shouldn’t have a baby”, or “you really are a terrible mother”, or “he deserves so much better than you” even if it is from cunt strangers… I just don’t care to see it, mostly because I couldn’t give a shit what strangers think so why I am even talking to them. I mean, I can barely give a shit about what my friends think of me haha.

In conclusion… go fuck yourselves you perfect people/mothers who never do anything wrong and especially don’t swear, i’ll just be here swearing up a storm and cuddling the cutest baby in the world the rest of the day while we bake cupcakes, very fattening and delicious ones, all the while, basking the fact that I am awesome and amazing and probably one of the best moms ever EVER! Just as Max is the most fucking awesome baby ever created. And while i’m on it, Brian is pretty amazing and perfect too. Hey, and so are all my friends!! AND so are all of Max’s baby friends, and not only are his baby friends the best, they’re also really really fucking cute. We don’t associate with ugly babies obviously.

It’s been real. And thanks everyone for making me a solid $15.67 in AdSense revenue the past few months.

It’s too bad I’m shutting down, I had a really good post written about what goes on during a vacuum delivery. And I don’t mean your house vacuum unfortunately (or fortunately?). We’ll never know.

SAHM

So, I quit my job.

I’m officially a stay at home mom. Scariest hardest decision i’ve ever had to make in my life. It took me well over a year to make the decision, and even on the day I was quitting, I still wavered back and forth all morning. So many pros, and so many scary cons (no more adult interaction, losing friends, losing relevancy, losing all the cool shit you used to do and know). But once it was done, I knew it was the right decision.   Now I get to be the one to watch Max play, learn, grow, etc… all day, as opposed to a random daycare (that I couldn’t even find anyway), or a random nanny that I also couldn’t find or afford.  I get to be here all day to get his awesome wet cookie crumb faced kisses, which are really kisses mixed with bites because he has no idea what he’s doing.  I get to deal with poop literally rolling out of a diaper down the hallway all day (this happens SO MANY TIMES, WHAT THE HELL??).  I’m gonna be so financially screwed, but I’m gonna do it as long as I possibly can until my savings runs out. I’m so fortunate that I get to do this, I can’t even put it into words.


Having said that, I guess I don’t need this blog anymore, since I don’t need daycare anymore.  But seeing as how this blog made me a solid .60 cents in 3 weeks, I just can’t stop now. So my first official stay at home mom task, is to start that of which I loathe… a mommy blog.  I have really good topics though, like my post baby frizz ring, how it’s possible to be so fat even though you weigh the EXACT same you weighed before you were pregnant, the time I made my 4 month old breathe in mould for a whole day, and so many other wonderful things about everything I do wrong because I have no idea what i’m doing. This is probably why he’s 11 months old and can’t crawl yet. But he’s pretty fucking cool though, so I must be doing something right.

GTFO!

I wrote to Kathleen Wynne, I sent her a note just keeping her abreast of the situation here in Toronto, because you know… someone needs to.   I basically just let her know that out of the I think it’s 10 friends that had a baby last year, only two of them found full time daycare spots, and what would she like me to do about not being able to go back to work (because i like to pass blame on others).  

She wrote me back a wonderful form letter reply. Which is amazing to me. I didn’t expect a reply, and certainly not an actual reply from her, she’s really busy running a 10 minute mile, and spending money or whatever it is she does.  But the nice form reply had some tidbits about how she has some long term plan for daycare.

So, I guess I should shut up then, and I wait for this long term plan to finish, then I can go back to work.  I wonder what’ll be completed first, the Downtown Relief Line or this fancy shmance daycare plan? Anyway, the plan is basically they’re going to put in place better monitoring of unlicensed daycare.  That’s the whole plan. That’s it.  Oh wait, no… sorry I just re-read it. It’s even shittier than that. They’re putting in place a better system to investigate unlicensed daycare complaints. ????????????? #BareMinimum 

Honestly, this doesn’t help me at all, and I imagine if it doesn’t help me, then it doesn’t help anyone else. Unless your kid is already in a sketchy daycare that you’re already suspecting of neglecting your baby, in which case you probably didn’t think “fuck, i hope Kathleen Wynne after she finishes paying out bonuses to MLSE or whatever the shit, starts investigating my daycare so I know if I should pull my kid out! Although, where would I put my kid if I did pull him out?  Maybe she has a plan to increase daycare spaces? Nope, she doesn’t. Or send my kid to a diff unlicensed centre and thanks to their new investigating plan, i’ll just wait to see if enough people complain so they get investigated and I can find out if they’re neglecting my kid again anyway”. Seems like the best plan ever, Kathleen Wynne. Thanks for not even giving a little bit of a shit.

ANYWAY, I also love that a copywriter had to write a daycare form letter to people that they could send out to everyone like me who complains of the issue. Like that’s a tab in their email system. I wonder what else there is in that email program form thing???? I bet they have HUNDREDS of stupid things in there!!

I didn’t even want to get political on this blog, i hate politics… but this is so stupid. That’s not a fucking plan to solve anything. Fine, it solves like .001% of the problem, that’s it. And the plan isn’t even in place yet!

I feel sick that they really aren’t going to do anything about the lack of daycare. ugh. This post is too long, I’ll save my annoyedness to a part 2! 🙂

RBC

M: Hi, wondering if you have any infant spots for March?
D: Sorry, there is a waitlist… but we don’t offer infant spots
M: Oh, so not till 18 months? And there’s an 18 month waitlist?
D: Yeah, well… we accept a few 13 month olds sometimes, but it’s at our discretion.
M: That makes total sense, thank you.

In other news…

He got into a daycare, the most expensive in the city, and he has a spot assuming no one from a “priority company” comes in before he has to start, then we lose our spot. I assume since it’s the most expensive in the city is the only reason there was this spot available. Although, I don’t really count him as having a spot, just in case one of you RBC’ers needs daycare when I do. 

How expensive? Double my mortgage expensive. More than one paycheque expensive. $1,000.00 more per month than any other licensed centre I called.