Category Archives: Love

The Worst Part Of Having Kids

There really is a bad part… I mean, there are probably several really shitty parts to having a kid I suppose. LIke the lack of sleep forever and ever, the constant worrying, the not ever having money again…

Max is going through the what I like to lovingly call the “asshole” phase of his life.  He has an attitude temper thing and just really needs to chill out. Like really. He LOVES to defy every single thing I say. Sometimes he’ll stand there doing the opposite of what I say while staring at me just to see my reaction. I ignore him and he’ll stop sometimes. He also likes to run away… he ran on the street the other day hysterically laughing because I was screaming at him not to. I’m a day away from becoming a leash parent.

He loves to ignore me or pretend he doesn’t hear me or do things he shouldn’t do that are amazingly dangerous, like jump on the edge of the couch, or try and open the hot oven, or play with knives*. He also loves to get super angry and throw shit at me. I spend a good part of my day yelling at him or putting him in time outs, which he thinks is hilarious. Me: “Max, stop that or you’re gonna get a time out! Do you want a time out?!?” Max: “LOL11!!1!l!!1!! HAHAH YES!!”. Every. Single. Time.

I don’t want to yell at him, it’s the worst… I don’t want to be mad at him, but really, he’s being unreasonable. He’s 2, so I don’t’ ever expect him to be reasonable, but 14 hours a day of someone just giving you shit all day, you get annoyed and angry and yell-ey. Then there are the days when he’s perfect and awesome and cuddly and cozy and wonderful, and you forgot about the shit days. No joke, he was on such a rampage last week that I contacted three daycares and got two job interviews, I was so done.

Anyway, none of that is the worst part of having kids. Because they’re kids and that’s what they do and you deal with it, and it’s ridiculous but whatever. Half the tantrums are hilarious, and I have to hide myself from laughing at him.  But, the real worst part is this…

When they go to sleep, and then you spend the next 8 hours feeling guilty and watching them sleep soundly and innocently and super cute, and you feel like THE WORST PERSON ever for just yelling and reprimanding them for what felt like all day. Like you really feel horrible, because you realize that they’re so little and young and don’t know any better, yet you were the jerk being horrible to them all day. When in reality it’s probably not true, but they’re so good and sleepy and quiet and you forget how asshole-y they were all day.

And you promise yourself the next day you aren’t going to get mad at them, or yell at them or anything because they’re too perfect and cute and everything you’ve always wanted. But then the second he wakes up, he comes downstairs and says “mommy make me bacon and put cartoons on and don’t change my diaper.” and you say “You aren’t actually my boss (yes he is), and also say please, and also yes I am changing your gross diaper” and he replies with “NO, mommy make bacon right now!!” and you say “relax, I’ll make breakfast in a minute, I have to change your diaper first” and he says “NO NOW!!” then starts screaming and kicking you and throwing shit on the floor and you’re like “DUDE RELAX, we don’t throw things and we don’t kick people!!!!!”…and now it’s been 45 seconds and you’ve already yelled at him once today.

#TerribleTwos

*He doesn’t actually play with knives, have access to knives, or anything of the like

Big Boy Bed

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So we put him in a big boy bed last night.  I don’t know if that’s what it’s really called, I guess it’s just called a bed. But I talk to a 22 month old all day, so my adult vocabulary is non existent. I’m afraid when I go back to work and have to ask an art director to save out some PSDs I’m going to talk to them like they’re 2; “hey little guy!! Wanna come help me with a special special little project?!? I’ll give you a cookie if you do a good job!!”. Which actually might be a good thing now that i think about it.

So it’s 9am and he’s still asleep. I want to attribute this to his comfiness in his bed, but I won’t. Because I just jinxed the shit out of it, and i know tomorrow he’s not even going to sleep in it.  I remember when he was 5 months old and we put him in a crib for the first time, I slept in a chair in his room the whole night, just in case. In case of what? No idea. And by “slept in a chair” I mean sat in a chair for 8 hours awake panicking.  I’m pleased with myself for not going in his room last night, although even though he’s almost 2 I still have mom panic in “why is he still sleeping? Is he breathing??” it’s been 13 hours of sleep now. SIDS isn’t possible anymore, I think?  Ok, just turned up the monitor to hear him breathing.  And this paragraph right here fully explains what it’s like to be in the brain of a SAHM who has nothing else to think about all day.   I have no doubt when he’s 8 years old, I will still be wanting to go in his room and make sure he’s ok in his real bed.  AND even more so when he’s 20 and has a girl over who I’m about to go kick out of the house. In fact, I’m going to keep that baby monitor in his room forever. Just in case.

Fancy Poop

God, this year is literally the worst year ever. So much crap has happened, I can’t even keep track of it. Broken ankle, sick from Jan – March, a bunch of other horrible stuff, my car getting totalled, just the worst. THEN yesterday morning I see this huge lump on Max’s neck. Like huge though, the size of a quarter sticking out of his neck. KILL ME. I can’t even describe to you the feeling you get, I can’t. And with the way this year was going, my first thought was “of course”.

I anxiously called the doctor, he’s amazing and saw us same day, but I had to wait 7 hours for the appointment (from the time I saw the lump). Can I even describe how it was the longest 7 hours of my life?!?! Max legit played on the iPad for 7 straight hours, I couldn’t play with him, I barely fed him lunch, I just couldn’t think or do anything. I sat on my couch staring out the window for 7 hours. I tried not to get ahead of myself obviously, I’m not that panicky mom, at least not since I stopped Googling medical things when he was 4 weeks old and I diagnosed him with like 20 things he didn’t have. So I wasn’t blowing it out of proportion in my mind, but just having to wait 7 hours to hear what it could be, what tests we’d have to do, etc… just the worst. I can’t even say it was scary because it was beyond scary, it was a word I don’t even think exists.

The doctor checked it out and said everything is fine, it’s normal thankfully. Relief doesn’t even describe how I felt when I heard that. Today, I feel so lucky to have him here and healthy, and I’m so sad for anyone who’s ever had to go through anything horrible. I can’t stop looking at him and realizing how lucky I am right now.

Ok cheesy horrible post over… now for the good stuff…

Today we went to an indoor kids playground for yuppies. No seriously, you can’t get in unless your kids name is Max, Logan, Isla, or Atticus, and instead of Goldfish or Yogurt for snacks, you have to bring quinoa and kale. Everyone in there was so fancy today. No exaggeration, 5 different moms wearing blazers and fancy expensive scarves. They had their hair all done up and everything, like super fancy. Please note that I’m wearing leggings, a wrinkly sweatshirt that I yanked out of the dryer half wet, no bra, possibly no underwear, I don’t even know… and I haven’t showered yet. But good for them. Really good for them.

All the kids are playing on the slides and at the exact same time, we all smell it… it’s disgusting. Who’s child is it from? And just like dominoes, you see each mom go and smell their kids bum. It’s fucking disgusting. But they do it, and I do it, and we all do it, and shut up if you say you haven’t done it, and if you have no kids then I understand how gross this is, but you WILL do it one day, and you will enjoy it. The look of a room full of very fancy dressed business women smelling bums for poop, knowing that later this afternoon they’re probably going to pitch some fancy marketing strategy they worked all night on to an exec at a major company and have to be super professional about it, KNOWING that 2 hours prior they smelled someones bum for poo, it makes my day just that much brighter.

Snow Day Fail

What’s life like with a toddler?  Well if you read my post yesterday, you’d see all the big things I had planned!! So exciting!

Here’s what really happened:

He slept in till 9:30, which you would assume would be amazing, but it’s not, because then everything else happens 2 hours later than it should, and he ends up going to bed at 10pm instead of 8pm, but what the hell, it’s not like I have to be at work tomorrow, plus he’s fun at night.  So, at 9:30 I went to get him and saw that he pee’d himself, and his crib, then didn’t want a bath. After 20 minutes of laughing and chasing, I finally got him in the water, then he wouldn’t come out. After another 30 minutes of slippery giggly convincing to get him out, I went upstairs and cleaned the pee out of his crib, did the laundry, etc…  then I made breakfast that he didn’t want to eat. Then he started eating it. Then he stopped. An hour later I gave up and ended breakfast.  It’s now 11am.

Finally time for our walk! Except now the snow was melting. I got all his gear on, and by the time we got outside (12pm!) it was gross raining and the snow was gone. We walked for a bit, but he wouldn’t keep his hands covered, and they were freezing, and he didn’t want to wear his hat or his boots, I’m not letting him win/get frost bite. We turned around and came back in. I went to make his bed while he was quiet downstairs, which you would assume is a good thing, but it isn’t. Quiet means “up to something”. Always. No matter what.

I’ve yet to sit down today, I figure we can at least watch some cozy christmas TV for a bit. And we did, but we did for a “toddler bit” and a “toddler bit” is equal to 14 seconds, unless it’s Sesame Street in which it’s 32 seconds. He wants me to play a bunch of other very active games with him, and not that I’m lazy (I am lazy), but I’m fairly tired already. I try to play with his trains, his blocks, his books, his castle, his cars, I taught him this fun puzzle thing, so that was awesome. Then I introduced him to markers, which he uses on the hardwood floor because he’s into modern art and he’s expressing himself and his life struggles, thank you very much.

Then I make lunch, which he’s decided he’d like to eat very slowly until he gets bored and says he’s done, which is fine because I’m also bored of watching him eat peas one at a time. I try to put him down for his nap, where he’s like “fuck off no” basically. I have to pretend I’m sleeping on his crib for 20 minutes in order for him to go to sleep, which i’m not going to lie, I love… because I get to watch him be all cozy sleepy peaceful, it’s the cutest thing ever, and kills me every single time. Then I sneak out of his room while he’s sleeping, but my belt gets stuck on the fan and makes a huge noise and I almost cry. I come back downstairs to do dishes, and clean the living room. Aaaaand that’s my snow day.

Side note: I didn’t mention any of the poop that went on, because I don’t talk about poop. but there was poop. Lots of poop. Oh, I also didn’t mention that I tried to make muffins with him and he decided to eat a handful of raw egg.

Lesson learned: Don’t. Plan. Anything. Especially if the snow isn’t going to stick around! Fail.  Also, raw egg doesn’t always make kids sick… so far. I wonder how long that takes until I know he won’t get sick. I can’t google it because I don’t google medical things. They were organic eggs, if that makes it any better?

SNOW DAY!!!

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Woah woah woah, what’s this? A blog?? What the?!  Yeah I totally abandoned this blog, for various reasons that I don’t even have time or motivation to write about. But let’s put that behind us… because this post is important…

Max doesn’t even know it yet, but he’s going to play in the snow today for the first time!!!!! I can’t even wait for him to wake up! Like, I might go wake him, which is stupid, because I’ll spend the rest of the day regretting waking him.  BUT LOOK OUTSIDE, I’M SO EXCITED, I CAN’T CONTAIN MYSELF!! He has NO IDEA that snow lands, and that you can play in it, and make snowmen, and angels,  and snowballs, and whatever the hell else you do in snow. Maybe I’ll let him pee in it, who knows. It’s a free for all today. I always wished I was a boy so I could pee in the snow.  I mean, I guess I can still pee in the snow as a girl, but it’s not the same, obviously. Why am I writing that?! You KNOW it’s not the same. I’m an idiot. Also, there are lots of other reasons I wished I was a boy, mainly that 86 hour labour I had, also the time this guy offered me bus tokens in exchange for staying the night (which I respectfully declined), that made me wish I was a boy, because I would have punched him a lot harder than I was able as a female. I guess I could just bulk up maybe, I don’t know. What am I writing right now? I should continue to abandon this blog, because it’s wasting everyone’s time. Sorry.

ANYWAY, EVERYONE should be a stay at home mom (men inclusive, people w/o kids inclusive), I feel like I’m 12 years old and get to do whatever I want whenever I want. I’m also poor, so pros and cons I suppose.  No, like I’m legit without funds, I haven’t logged into my bank thingie forever, and I just did this morning and I have $12.59 in my bank!! So that sucks and I have no clue what I’m going to do because I haven’t had that little money in my bank since I was actually 12 years old. But what doesn’t suck is that I’m about to go play in the snow all day with my bff, then have hot chocolate with marshmallows while we cozy up on the couch in the afternoon watching National Lampoons Christmas Vacation until we fall asleep for an after snow nap! BEST!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Off topic, Max is about to be transitioned into a big boy bed. fuuuuuuck.  I’ll have so many posts about that, I have no doubt. Like how when we were buying his bed, our car got totalled. Or how I’m terrified that now he’s just going to be loose in the night, while I sleep. What’s he going to do?? I have no idea, and I don’t’ trust him in the least. Stay tuned!

10 Really F**king Legit Good Reasons You Should Have Kids

I know so many people who don’t want to have kids. And I was thinking if they just knew how good it is, maybe they’d change their mind. But then I realized how bullshit that was, because I didn’t want kids either for the longest time, and whenever anyone tried to tell me all the good parts I was like “just no, whatever” while I slept in till 11am after a night of wine drinking, foodie restaurant hopping and vacation planning. Then I woke up on my 30th birthday and everything went to shit and I wanted a baby all of the sudden, OUT OF NOWHERE. Fuck you hormones. Fuck you so bad.

I don’t even really care what other people want or do, it effects me zero percent, do whatever you want. If you want to go travel the world instead of having kids, go travel! It’s not like you can travel with kids. Where you gonna go? Australia? Australia is all prisoners, don’t take children there. You wanna go eat at the best restaurants and post photos of your Waygu $600.00 blue endangered lobster topped steak to Instagram? Go do that, restaurants hate kids, especially the asshole kids. And most kids are assholes, so you’d probably end up with an asshole and never get to eat anywhere good again. I’ve been to Boston Pizza 3 times this month, it’s disgusting.

Having said that… in case you’re on the fence (and also because Buzzfeed), I’ve compiled a list of 10 really fucking legit good reasons you should have kids, with all of the “omg but it’s so rewarding and you love them so much” removed.

10 Really Fucking Legit Good Reasons To Have Kids (In case you’re on the fence):

1.  You can get out of ANYTHING!!!
“Sorry, my son has to nap, I can’t make it to your Pinterest Napkin Folding party”. “Hey, this dinner of liver and potatoes is great, and I love listening to your creepy uncle talk about his fishing boat, but my son has to nap in 10 minutes so we have to go” (Then you go get burgers).  “Hmm ya I can’t make it that day to help you rebuild your deck in the rain, my son has music class, sorry.”. #CouldBeTrueCouldBeFalseDOESN’TMATTER

2. You get all the best parking spaces
Self explanatory, but you do. And the best part is when you park in one of those close spots and you get the stink eye from a overtired bitchy bitch mom who thinks you have no kids in the car.

3. You get a year off work to just hang and do whatever
Because ProTip: in the first year of their lives, they don’t do shit. So you can legit just go anywhere and do anything.

4. You’ll get less annoyed by people posting baby photos on Facebook
I mean, moderately less annoyed. I still know some over-posters (guilty) and they need to just   stop. I don’t care that your kid can fit a cheerio in his nose, it’s not cute to anyone but you. But overall, you get over seeing only baby pics on Facebook. And you can also judge other people’s kids and make yourself feel better about your own comparatively.

5. You get free stuff
The amount of free Timbits I’ve gotten because “omg your baby is so cute!” in the past year is an exorbitant amount.

6. You don’t have to work late anymore
Leave that for the junior account people who wear high boots, big earrings, ombre their hair, and have nothing to go home to except a big bottle of wine and probably a concert at some point that night.

7. The government will send you $100.00 a month
You legit get $100.00! This means nothing to anyone reading this because you all have jobs. I used to have a job and made a lot of money so I was all “I’m just gonna donate that money” back in the day. But now I have no job, and it’s $100.00! Which is a lot of money to someone who has zero money! I think i’m supposed to give it to Max. like put it in an RESP or something, but mama needs her nails done.

8. Momradery
Everyone you run into is basically your friend immediately. Because you all share the same “a person has ripped their way out of my body, then peed in my mouth and pooped on my hand” bond. We all talk to each other all the time, passing on the street, in the mall, at the park, I don’t even know you but we’re talking, because we both just “know“. And it’s so great. I.e. I was at Yorkdale wearing a Superman t-shirt because I’m an idiotloser, and Max was being a silly, and a stranger mom comes over to me and says “Superman eh?  More like Supermom, you’re doing great!”.  THAT’S AMAZING. Trust me. It’s amazing. So I’ve coined Momradery as a real thing, we’re all looking out for each other and it’s wonderful.

9. You can get fat, and it’s fine
I’m disgusting, and while I hate being fat, I can continue to blame it on the baby weight that won’t go away. Or like you want that extra cupcake? That’s gross, you’ve had two already. but “my son kept me up all night, i haven’t eaten in two days because I’ve been so busy taking care of him, I’m so tired” now it’s totally acceptable to eat that cupcake. And before you judge me, I know you’ve done this before, I know you’ve eaten two cupcakes at one sitting, and you have no kids, therefore you don’t even have an excuse. So maybe I am disgusting, but at least I have an excuse.

10. Ok I had to throw this in… you really do love them on a whole other level
Like for all the work it is, and for all the things you’ve wanted to do in your life without kids, you won’t even care anymore. I still want to travel the world, but I want to travel the world with Max and show him all the amazing things that I wanted to see, but we both get to see it for the first time together. Except Australia, a population of criminals.

Toddler Tantrums

I can’t afford Stock images, you should be happy you’re at least getting this. #Watermark

People read too much, I think. I mean, far be it for me to judge anything anyone does, because I couldn’t care less about anyone else’s life (except for anti vacciners…you’re the worst and I do judge you).  But I just found out there are all these books on toddler tantrums and how to deal with them. I’m part of this mom’s group online (god help me, I used to be cool and fun and now I’m just a fat mom at home on the Internet all day). Anyway, this forum has this huge thread right now going of “my 14 month old is throwing all these tantrums and I don’t know what to do!?!? Are there any books that can help me??” and all these replies asking the same thing, and then others offering good books to read about it.   I just don’t understand though why you need a book???  Here are how I handle tantrums, without reading any books…

Level 1 tantrum – I want to play with a toy but I can’t reach it and life fucking sucks, so I’m going to sit here and cry instead

Solution: I get the toy and give him a hug

Level 2 tantrum – Fuck your hug, I really am pissed I wanted to get that toy myself even though there was no possible chance of me reaching it, and now I’m going to throw all the other toys in protest. I also really want to play with daddy’s screwdriver he left within arm’s reach of me because he doesn’t listen to mommy when she talks about safety, and I don’t care what you say because I’m going to get it and if I don’t get it then I want something else unsafe to play with or LIFE ISN’T FAIR!!!

Solution: Distraction! I’ll play with the toy instead and you’ll forget why you’re crying, god willing. I will also discreetly hide this sharp screwdriver that Brian left out, even after I told him to put it away. I really feel like once you’re married and have a baby, you basically have two kids. A post for another time though.

Level 3 tantrum – I want the iPad but you won’t let me play with it and also the battery is dead because I played Elmo Calls for 3 hours straight (don’t judge my mom, she has a broken ankle STFU!). I also want to open the window and try and get outside, and you’re the meanest mom because you won’t let me! You keep me trapped in here like a caged bird, but I just want to fly and you don’t understand my needs and wants! You think all i want is my diaper changed? I don’t give any shit about a diaper change, I want to play on the roof god damn it! With the iPad that won’t turn on!! What’s wrong with you?? I’m going to scream and cry and make faces and pretend to barf and throw anything in my way until you let me do all of this and in the perfect order that I’m not going to verbalize but you have to guess and if you guess wrong I’m going to scream even louder and then hit you in the face!!

Solution: Hide the iPad and distraction again while I stand around laughing at him. Although I used to try and tickle him to make him laugh, now it just pisses him off and puts him in level 5 tantrum.

Level 4 tantrum – I HATE YOU!! REALLY WANT THAT iPad!!!!!!!!! And I hate this house! And I hate everything about the world. I’m going to scream and flail around and throw everything around me, and probably also hit you again. And why did you read me my favourite book 3 times in a row when you KNOW I wanted you to read it 2.5 times in a row while skipping pages 6 and 9, and doing the funny hippo voice on page 10 only, and why are you turning the pages so fast so slow so fast too slow!?!?!  Why are you so mean to me?????? i’m going to cry as long as I can, and beg you to pick me up until you do pick me up then I’m going to scream to be put back down right away then scream to be picked up again and back down again over and over and over again until you learn your lesson, and I’m going to make it so difficult to pick me up and then go all limp when you do get me in your arms, then flail backwards as hard as I can in a dangerous fashion just so you KNOW that I want to be put down to be picked up again. Maybe you should have read those books, huh??

Solution: Stand around and laugh until it’s over, but pick him up when he wants. Although pick him up over something soft, because he really does launch himself out of my arms in an awesomely dangerous way.

Level 5 tantrum – You are the WORST parents ever, I just want the iPad! And I also want chocolate ice cream for dinner and I’m not going to eat anything else until I get it. And anything you put in front of me I will throw on the floor to ensure a huge mess while i’m crying and screaming.  Also add in all the other tantrum levels, and maybe oh yes.. maybe I will also cry for ABSOLUTELY NO REASON WHATSOEVER, so you can stand around and guess for hours but you’ll never figure it out. And if you think you figured it out, I’ll just lose my mind over something else, like maybe that fork is too shiny!! Why is that fork so shiny??? I’m going to cry as loud as I can now and throw the fork at your face! Your stupid mom face who doesn’t seem to give a shit about anything I want obviously?!

Solution: Remove food to stop mess, then stand back and laugh at tantrum until it’s over

That’s basically it. With varying degrees of how the tantrum goes, I mean it can be screaming, throwing, hitting, flailing, rolling around like a dork, but the key point… I just ignore it and laugh hahah.  I mean I do what I can for him, but for the most part I just ignore him. There’s no way I can explain to him why he can’t sit on the outside of the car during a car ride, or why he can’t have my glass of wine for dinner, so if he wants to lose his shit about it, then I feel like that’s fairly normal part of life and I just let it happen. If he needs consoling, I console… but other than that, it’s all about ignoring and distraction tactics.

Hmm I think maybe these books are just people saying what i’m saying except they can word it so it fits in a whole book?  I have no idea. Or maybe not, maybe ignoring it makes your kid turn into an asshole, I don’t know or care. Anyone read any bullshit toddler tantrum books?? I wonder what they say you’re “supposed” to do? I feel like my solutions are working perfectly, so I can’t imagine anything else, and also I like my solutions, they make me laugh and eventually he laughs and everyone wins.  Maybe don’t waste your money on the books and just read my tips above. Then send me the money you would have spent on the book and I’ll buy another iPad charger and he can chill the fuck out about the iPad. He’s so obsessed, it’s unfortunate… but broken ankle so STFU.

Father’s Day II/Kissing Babies

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Is it inappropriate to kiss your baby on the mouth?!?!?!  Brian says you aren’t supposed to do it, but 1. I can’t help it and 2. I don’t care.  I Googled it because now i’m nervous that I’m disgusting, but it seems to be a grey area all over the Internet.  I mean it has its con’s, one time I went for a kiss and he opened his mouth and it was awkward… but that was just one time. Shit, ok, i’m not gonna do it anymore, now that I write about it, maybe it is weird. No one tells you any baby rules!!!!! They tell you don’t lie them on their stomaches because SIDS!!!!!!!  That’s all they tell you! Oh and to make sure you breastfeed, otherwise they get asthma. That’s for sure why I have asthma. Way to go mom.

Unrelated… I’m trying to figure out what to do for Father’s Day, and fucking Pinterest makes me feel so motivated and subpar all at the same time.  I spent over an hour (and 16 Google Chrome tabs) planning some cool stuff, and then a total of literally 10 seconds being like “ya as if I’m EVEN going to go to the store to buy these cookie cutters, sprinkles, a scalpel, duct tape, and a tub of margin” let alone come home and put it together and bake it. I’m just gonna phone in Father’s Day and blame it on my ankle. OH WAIT maybe I can get this nanny to bust something for me?? Is that allowed?  I don’t know how nanny’s work, she seems to be willing to do anything I ask her so far. She’s cleaning my stove and doing my laundry as I type this. I feel like such a baller, is this what most people feel like?? I can’t remember what it was like to work and have money!!  Although it’s so super weird that someone else is doing my laundry. Now more people than just me know that I still exclusively only wear my maternity underwear. THEY’RE SO COMFORTABLE, SHUT UP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

FUUUUUUUU

GOD I had the worst fucking day, I can’t even get into it, i’m still way too upset. I dropped Max on his head when I fell down the stairs. There are no words to describe how horrible I feel, so I’m leaving it at this. Luckily he is ok. Me not so much, broken ankle – ridiculous. I’m super super depressed about it, for so many reasons. Like other than the fact that two years ago I broke my other ankle! Other than the fact that it’s finally summer and now I can’t do anything, but more importantly, I can’t help Max learn to walk anymore, because I can’t walk with him. What do I do when he wants me to pick him up??? I’m so beyond sad, it’s horrible.

Lucky(?) for me Aastha Lal AKA my favourite comedian is having another show coming up, which always always cheers me up no matter what. Even that time my hamster died, this was the only thing that would get me out of that funk. I’m joking, I never had a hamster. I’m just not good at joking, not like Aashta is.  I’m totally plugging the shit out this show on here, and she’s not even paying me, AND it has nothing to do with being a mom. Or does it? She talks about lactation quite a bit, and vaginas… so I mean, that’s totally mom related, IN FACT if I had to only choose two things in the world that were solely mom related, it would definitely just be lactation and vaginas.  I’m gonna be at the show laughing it up and peeing myself, because I still can’t hold it.  I hope some of you can come join me! (And by join me, I don’t mean come sit at the show with me, that’s weird –  I don’t even know you*. I just mean go buy a ticket and go see the show!)  For any mom who is stressed, tired, hasn’t showered in months, is super busy at home… it’s an amazing hilarious cheap night out. Coincidentally, that’s how Aastha’s dates also describe her.

*I obviously know you. Let’s not kid ourselves… no one reads this blog, other than my parents and like 5 friends, and Aastha is one of them. So four other friends I suppose.

Ice Cream

I remember this time last year on mat leave I took Max to the High Park Zoo and it was lunch time, so we just found a spot under a tree where I nursed him while I ate my lunch. At the time it was literally my favourite moment of having a baby. It was just so super nice and chill and everyone else was at work, and I was so lucky to be there with him, and it was all quiet and warm out and perfect, and so easy to feed him obviously, also I just started going through the “I’m totally cool breastfeeding in public now because I’m sick of sitting in a disgusting bathroom” mindset and we just shared this super super awesome moment under the tree’s in the park. That was my favourite memory with him, until last night.

Last night we went out for ice cream, and I always get a flavour he likes (chocolate) so we can share it. Unless we’re doing gelato at THE BEST gelato place in the world Dolce, where I have to get strawberry (which I’m fine with because it’s fucking delicious). All the while Brian always gets a dad flavour he can’t share like Very Stout with Guinness in it, or Lemon Lime, or Espresso. Basically the only three flavours Max can’t eat, Brian will get.  Not because Brian is an asshole, just because those are the flavours he likes and why the fuck should he share his ice cream?! I get it.  Anyway, I get a waffle cone and a tiny spoon so that Max can take what he wants from the cone.   The thing is, Max goes through one spoon every 3-6 minutes, so we have to take so many spoons from Ed’s and I feel really bad about it, but what am I gonna do? Not feed my 16 month old ice cream at 10pm at night?! Pshaw.

We were on spoon number probably 5, when he dropped it and we realized that was our last spoon, except for the one I was using (Yes, I also have to use a spoon, because he won’t let me near the cone).  We can’t get back into Ed’s for more spoons because the lineup is like that scene from Portlandia when that new breakfast place opens.

I relinquish my spoon to Max, and now I get no more of my own ice cream, but I sure hope Brian is enjoying his. So I give Max the spoon, and he’s about to get a spoonful when I say to Brian “ugh this sucks, now I don’t get ice cream” and as Max takes a spoonful of the ice cream, he pulls me close to him and feeds it to me!!!!!! He fed me his first scoop from my spoon!! So selfless.   I fucking love him so much!  So then we shared the ice cream, he just kept feeding it to me from his spoon, he’d take some then give me some!

Fact: I know SO MANY people that don’t want to have kids because they want to travel the world, and that’s cool – I couldn’t care any less about what other people want, also you are all going to get to sleep in whenever you want, so enjoy that forever, it’s amazing and something not enough people cherish when we had it. blech. Having said that, seeing Thailand for a month has nothing on how cute your own baby is feeding you the last bit of ice cream that was supposed to be for him. Or maybe Thailand is just THAT good, I have no idea.  Hey this makes no sense anymore, I just don’t know how to end it because I’m not that good of a writer/Max is up and I have to go/I’m tired already even though it’s 7:08am.