Category Archives: breastfeeding

Really reaching for something to write about post

TMI and pointless, but really… I’m so sick of buying bras. Like, I have no money and I’m over it. And he’s 16 months old, so my fucking hormones should get their shit together already.   Before I was pregnant I bought a bunch of bras because there was a sale one day… and when I went to wear them they didn’t fit. I was so annoyed because I couldn’t return them, and the store’s sizing was obviously off. I remember just being so angry because it was such a waste of money. Two weeks later I found out I was pregnant… and then I felt like an asshole for being so mad at the store, because it wasn’t them who got me pregnant, and certainly not the store clerk (I don’t think?) I yelled at for a return, so not even a tiny bit their fault. sigh.

I had to go buy some more that would fit, and at that point I had no money because I was trying to save since I was gonna be on mat leave for a year and poor.  Oh  and don’t forget that in like 6 months you have to go bra shopping again because they just keep getting bigger and bigger and it’s really annoying at this point.

Hey, THEN YOU HAVE A BABY!!!! And guess what happens? Bingo.  I think in 9 months at that point I had spent probably $600.00 on bras, maybe more. Probably more. Yeah, for sure more. And I’m not even buying anything fancy.  But now the baby is born and you have to buy nursing bras, which are a whole other type of expensive.  Speaking of which, do you know they make lingerie nursing bras???  WHO ARE YOU THAT IS BUYING THIS??  “Hey baby, come look at how sexy I am with all this milk in this sexy milky bra… reoow”.  that’s my attempt at writing sexy… it’s about as good as my attempt to be sexy in real life. Yeah I totally want a sexy lacy nursing bra, especially right after I have a baby, really especially want to feel sexy in a milk soaked bra after he’s been nursing for 12 hours a day and I haven’t slept all night… off track, sorry. And I have no doubt some of my friends bought these sexy nursing bras, and good for you, I’m not making fun of you, I’m making fun of me.

Then you stop nursing, so you’re like “cool I can wear my old bras”. No, you can’t.  Nothing is the same anymore. Nothing. Do you get what I’m saying? Nothing.   Noth…ing.

So I bought this random new size that made me so ugh to buy, but it fit, but I was so done, like, what now… Now this is my new size for life? This is huge, I don’t want to be this. And this was like 6 months after I stopped nursing, so I just didn’t get it, I didn’t know that happened.

Well that lasted for a month then I needed to go buy more in a smaller size, a size smaller than even BEFORE I was pregnant.   So what the could have possibly happened to make that happen??? I’m so over it… my new solution is the best solution, and considering I don’t ever go out in public, my solution of just not wearing one seems to be working great for me, my bank account, and the guy who comes to our door to deliver the packages I order off Amazon.

Ice Cream

I remember this time last year on mat leave I took Max to the High Park Zoo and it was lunch time, so we just found a spot under a tree where I nursed him while I ate my lunch. At the time it was literally my favourite moment of having a baby. It was just so super nice and chill and everyone else was at work, and I was so lucky to be there with him, and it was all quiet and warm out and perfect, and so easy to feed him obviously, also I just started going through the “I’m totally cool breastfeeding in public now because I’m sick of sitting in a disgusting bathroom” mindset and we just shared this super super awesome moment under the tree’s in the park. That was my favourite memory with him, until last night.

Last night we went out for ice cream, and I always get a flavour he likes (chocolate) so we can share it. Unless we’re doing gelato at THE BEST gelato place in the world Dolce, where I have to get strawberry (which I’m fine with because it’s fucking delicious). All the while Brian always gets a dad flavour he can’t share like Very Stout with Guinness in it, or Lemon Lime, or Espresso. Basically the only three flavours Max can’t eat, Brian will get.  Not because Brian is an asshole, just because those are the flavours he likes and why the fuck should he share his ice cream?! I get it.  Anyway, I get a waffle cone and a tiny spoon so that Max can take what he wants from the cone.   The thing is, Max goes through one spoon every 3-6 minutes, so we have to take so many spoons from Ed’s and I feel really bad about it, but what am I gonna do? Not feed my 16 month old ice cream at 10pm at night?! Pshaw.

We were on spoon number probably 5, when he dropped it and we realized that was our last spoon, except for the one I was using (Yes, I also have to use a spoon, because he won’t let me near the cone).  We can’t get back into Ed’s for more spoons because the lineup is like that scene from Portlandia when that new breakfast place opens.

I relinquish my spoon to Max, and now I get no more of my own ice cream, but I sure hope Brian is enjoying his. So I give Max the spoon, and he’s about to get a spoonful when I say to Brian “ugh this sucks, now I don’t get ice cream” and as Max takes a spoonful of the ice cream, he pulls me close to him and feeds it to me!!!!!! He fed me his first scoop from my spoon!! So selfless.   I fucking love him so much!  So then we shared the ice cream, he just kept feeding it to me from his spoon, he’d take some then give me some!

Fact: I know SO MANY people that don’t want to have kids because they want to travel the world, and that’s cool – I couldn’t care any less about what other people want, also you are all going to get to sleep in whenever you want, so enjoy that forever, it’s amazing and something not enough people cherish when we had it. blech. Having said that, seeing Thailand for a month has nothing on how cute your own baby is feeding you the last bit of ice cream that was supposed to be for him. Or maybe Thailand is just THAT good, I have no idea.  Hey this makes no sense anymore, I just don’t know how to end it because I’m not that good of a writer/Max is up and I have to go/I’m tired already even though it’s 7:08am.

Just read the TLDR this is just a boring rant otherwise

So I wrote a book. I mean maybe it’s not a book, it’s a few hundred page Google Doc. Does that count as a book? I had all this free time, so what else was I going to do with it?  That’s part sarcasm…I have zero free time. But when Max was still new, he’d only sleep while nursing. So I had a good 4 hours a day with him literally attached to me every single day where I couldn’t move or talk, so I typed a book with my laptop gently on my lap, very lightly hitting the keys with maybe two or three fingers, because my other hand was holding him, and the rest of my hand holding my laptop so it wouldn’t fall. Fucking multi-tasker of the year.  Anyway, it’s not long enough to be a book apparently, because I googled it and google says no.

Max is officially off formula as of yesterday. I didn’t think it was a big deal, because it shouldn’t be. But for some reason, it turned into a big deal to me and it made me remember this book thing, because I just sat here with him nursing for months day in and day out. And yeah that ended a few months ago, but now that the formula feeding is over… now I totally realize he’s not that baby anymore.

Ugh, I went through so much breastfeeding bullshit too, from so many people, including myself. And now it’s all over. Back when it all started it was such a fiasco and there was so much crying, I don’t even know who cried more, me or him. In the time it’s happening you think it’s the worst thing in the world, like EVERYONE is giving you shit and giving you their opinion that you don’t even care about, and you really don’t want to give your baby formula, and you get even more shit for it, even though you know he’s starving. Now a year and a bit later, it’s all done, and he’s fine obviously, and it was just such a waste of energy listening to all that back then.

Everyone needs to chill out on the breastfeeding, like who gives a shit what you do with your baby?  That was my biggest issue, everyone had something to say. I never realized everyone wanted to be in my business so bad.  I mean I don’t ask adults what they’re eating, so why are they asking me what my baby is eating? I was so confused that whole time, and oh so tired… so so so so so tired. If I wasn’t so tired, this wouldn’t have even been a big deal, but you’re SO TIRED, everything is a big deal.  I remember pumping for like an hour and getting maybe half an ounce and crying, because I had to feed him also, so I sat on the couch for 5, 6, 7 hours with him or a pump attached to me, without moving, eating, peeing, drinking, nothing. Then someone called me after hour 6 of pumping to tell me not to formula feed “your body will make enough milk!!”. No one had/has any idea what anyone else is going through, so I really feel like we should all just drop it and stay out of people’s shit.

This post sucked, sorry. As soon as me or Brian talk about breastfeeding to someone, we get all bitchy. Because we remember how annoying everyone was about it last year.

TLDR;  stay out of people’s business. Also, I wrote a very long Google Doc that could be a book maybe if I got my shit together and wrote a few more pages.