The other day I was lying on the couch, and Max was sitting on my stomach then flailed himself backwards to lie down. He has no idea how to properly lie down, so as dangerously violent as possible he just falls backwards onto nothing. Poor little guy has so much trust in the world, like there’ll always be a soft little pillow behind him to fall back on and not a sharp jagged brick with racoon poop on it.
He flails back and lands his head on my legs. Then kicks off my stomach to scoot down further, and two kicks later, legit kicked me in the junk. Like so hard. SO HARD! I had this amazing flashback to when I was pregnant, it was like in one of those really well directed movies that my ‘I’ve-been-awake-since-4am-brain’ isn’t allowing me to remember the name of right now. Where the camera quickly zooms out to a flashback, and all these scenes just flash before you. And within that flashback was the memory of when he was breech.
He went breech twice, because he likes to test my patience and ability to handle stress. And the first time he did it I was in a meeting with an account manager who was telling me about an email deployment or probably something more important that I couldn’t pay attention to, and I felt him turn around. Like I actually felt it, and she was talking to me and all I could think of was “what. the. fuck. was. that.” like a whole 8 month old person just flipped over in my body. I knew exactly what had just happened, there’s no mistaking that feeling. I tried to ignore it and deny it and pretend it didn’t happen, because I didn’t wanna deal with anymore pregnancy nonsense, since I had the best pregnancy ever until month 8 when every day something went wrong, and now this?!
Late that night we went to Wal Mart, I’m sure for some stupid craving I had of like canned beans and liquorice. And as I’m walking through the frozen fish section, oh… it’s so hard to even type this because I can feel it again. He kicked downwards. HE KICKED DOWNARDS! There’s no way you reading this will understand how fucking fucked that is. HE KICKED DOWNWARDS!!!!!!! DO YOU GET IT? UGHHHHH I can’t even type this, I’m actually cringing right now and maybe possibly crying.
So at the highlight moment of my life, I’m standing in a Wal Mart fish isle at 11pm at night, I’m grabbing the fish freezer with the deathliest death grip ever and crying, because a person within my body has just kicked down basically out of my body. I was sure a foot must have been dangling out at that point, it hurt so bad there’s no way something didn’t just come out. I checked. He was still contained. And then I cried… I cried in the fish isle of Wal Mart in the middle of a late night shopping trip to get beans, liquorice, and probably what turned into $80.00 worth of other food that I randomly craved when I saw it in the isle.
I stood there and I cried and I wanted to barf. If you know me, you know I had an irrational fear of child birth. Wait, irrational isn’t the right word… I think everyone must be afraid that a human is coming out of a part of their body that isn’t probably human sized. But I mean I was really insane about it…I convinced myself it wasn’t even happening, but I’m saving those details for another post. All I’m saying is, I’m crying in Wal Mart because I realized in that moment that “OMG nothing even came out just now and that hurt more than anything I’ve ever felt in my life times a gazillion billion”, like it’s not even a comparable hurt to ANYTHING ever. AND NOTHING CAME OUT!?!?! So imagine how much worse it’s gonna be when it comes out?!?!??
So you know what’s really weird? And this is messed up… that kick in the Wal Mart fish isle, was literally way worse than him actually coming out. Although I feel like when you’re in labour your not really paying attention, so maybe it wasn’t worse… but when I think back to how much both of those events sucked, I really distinctly remember the Wal Mart kick as way way worse. Although when I read this back to myself, it really downplays the child birth part… friends don’t read this wrong, that super sucked too. It sucked A LOT. Like worse than anything ever. There was screaming and crying, like lots of screaming, and swearing obviously. But on a level playing field, I swear to god, that Wal Mart kick… nothing compares. Long story short, I can’t buy fish at Wal Mart anymore because it’s bad memories, and not buying fish at Wal Mart seems like a big win in the end run anyway.