I can’t afford Stock images, you should be happy you’re at least getting this. #Watermark
People read too much, I think. I mean, far be it for me to judge anything anyone does, because I couldn’t care less about anyone else’s life (except for anti vacciners…you’re the worst and I do judge you). But I just found out there are all these books on toddler tantrums and how to deal with them. I’m part of this mom’s group online (god help me, I used to be cool and fun and now I’m just a fat mom at home on the Internet all day). Anyway, this forum has this huge thread right now going of “my 14 month old is throwing all these tantrums and I don’t know what to do!?!? Are there any books that can help me??” and all these replies asking the same thing, and then others offering good books to read about it. I just don’t understand though why you need a book??? Here are how I handle tantrums, without reading any books…
Level 1 tantrum – I want to play with a toy but I can’t reach it and life fucking sucks, so I’m going to sit here and cry instead
Solution: I get the toy and give him a hug
Level 2 tantrum – Fuck your hug, I really am pissed I wanted to get that toy myself even though there was no possible chance of me reaching it, and now I’m going to throw all the other toys in protest. I also really want to play with daddy’s screwdriver he left within arm’s reach of me because he doesn’t listen to mommy when she talks about safety, and I don’t care what you say because I’m going to get it and if I don’t get it then I want something else unsafe to play with or LIFE ISN’T FAIR!!!
Solution: Distraction! I’ll play with the toy instead and you’ll forget why you’re crying, god willing. I will also discreetly hide this sharp screwdriver that Brian left out, even after I told him to put it away. I really feel like once you’re married and have a baby, you basically have two kids. A post for another time though.
Level 3 tantrum – I want the iPad but you won’t let me play with it and also the battery is dead because I played Elmo Calls for 3 hours straight (don’t judge my mom, she has a broken ankle STFU!). I also want to open the window and try and get outside, and you’re the meanest mom because you won’t let me! You keep me trapped in here like a caged bird, but I just want to fly and you don’t understand my needs and wants! You think all i want is my diaper changed? I don’t give any shit about a diaper change, I want to play on the roof god damn it! With the iPad that won’t turn on!! What’s wrong with you?? I’m going to scream and cry and make faces and pretend to barf and throw anything in my way until you let me do all of this and in the perfect order that I’m not going to verbalize but you have to guess and if you guess wrong I’m going to scream even louder and then hit you in the face!!
Solution: Hide the iPad and distraction again while I stand around laughing at him. Although I used to try and tickle him to make him laugh, now it just pisses him off and puts him in level 5 tantrum.
Level 4 tantrum – I HATE YOU!! REALLY WANT THAT iPad!!!!!!!!! And I hate this house! And I hate everything about the world. I’m going to scream and flail around and throw everything around me, and probably also hit you again. And why did you read me my favourite book 3 times in a row when you KNOW I wanted you to read it 2.5 times in a row while skipping pages 6 and 9, and doing the funny hippo voice on page 10 only, and why are you turning the pages so fast so slow so fast too slow!?!?! Why are you so mean to me?????? i’m going to cry as long as I can, and beg you to pick me up until you do pick me up then I’m going to scream to be put back down right away then scream to be picked up again and back down again over and over and over again until you learn your lesson, and I’m going to make it so difficult to pick me up and then go all limp when you do get me in your arms, then flail backwards as hard as I can in a dangerous fashion just so you KNOW that I want to be put down to be picked up again. Maybe you should have read those books, huh??
Solution: Stand around and laugh until it’s over, but pick him up when he wants. Although pick him up over something soft, because he really does launch himself out of my arms in an awesomely dangerous way.
Level 5 tantrum – You are the WORST parents ever, I just want the iPad! And I also want chocolate ice cream for dinner and I’m not going to eat anything else until I get it. And anything you put in front of me I will throw on the floor to ensure a huge mess while i’m crying and screaming. Also add in all the other tantrum levels, and maybe oh yes.. maybe I will also cry for ABSOLUTELY NO REASON WHATSOEVER, so you can stand around and guess for hours but you’ll never figure it out. And if you think you figured it out, I’ll just lose my mind over something else, like maybe that fork is too shiny!! Why is that fork so shiny??? I’m going to cry as loud as I can now and throw the fork at your face! Your stupid mom face who doesn’t seem to give a shit about anything I want obviously?!
Solution: Remove food to stop mess, then stand back and laugh at tantrum until it’s over
That’s basically it. With varying degrees of how the tantrum goes, I mean it can be screaming, throwing, hitting, flailing, rolling around like a dork, but the key point… I just ignore it and laugh hahah. I mean I do what I can for him, but for the most part I just ignore him. There’s no way I can explain to him why he can’t sit on the outside of the car during a car ride, or why he can’t have my glass of wine for dinner, so if he wants to lose his shit about it, then I feel like that’s fairly normal part of life and I just let it happen. If he needs consoling, I console… but other than that, it’s all about ignoring and distraction tactics.
Hmm I think maybe these books are just people saying what i’m saying except they can word it so it fits in a whole book? I have no idea. Or maybe not, maybe ignoring it makes your kid turn into an asshole, I don’t know or care. Anyone read any bullshit toddler tantrum books?? I wonder what they say you’re “supposed” to do? I feel like my solutions are working perfectly, so I can’t imagine anything else, and also I like my solutions, they make me laugh and eventually he laughs and everyone wins. Maybe don’t waste your money on the books and just read my tips above. Then send me the money you would have spent on the book and I’ll buy another iPad charger and he can chill the fuck out about the iPad. He’s so obsessed, it’s unfortunate… but broken ankle so STFU.