Category Archives: advice

Just Another Logan Story

How do you handle kids who are assholes?  Because I’m still at a loss.

We were at Yuppy Hipster Playville and Logan #13 was climbing something random and unsafe. First you should visualize Logan13… he’s 5 years old, very manicured blonde hair, and he’s wearing a $70.00 Hudson’s Bay lambswool cardigan to a heated indoor play centre where children climb, push, run, crawl, duck, sneeze, cough, spill, poop, barf, and everything in between. So needless to say for starters, he’s very sweaty. But he’s fancy, so whatever, maybe I’m jealous.

Max starts climbing the safe part of this play structure which is clearly for toddlers (why is it clearly for toddlers? Because anyone over 35 inches tall can’t fit up the ladder). But, Logan13 figured out how to get up that ladder in his fancy sweaty cardigan that I hope he ripped on the way up because why are you making your kid wear a fancy cardigan to a play place?! Don’t answer that, I know why.

Max is about to go down the slide at the top of the tower, and Logan13 sits behind him and yells “GO DOWN”. And Max looks and laughs because Max is a dork. So Max is about to go down the slide when LoganShitface13 KICKS HIM IN THE BACK! Someone’s 5 year old kid just kicked my year and a half year old kid in the back. Holy shit. A new emotion surfaces within my body that I didn’t know existed.

My first reaction was to look around for Logan13’s parents, but this child is kicking a toddler while wearing a Hudson’s Bay cardigan IN A PLAYCENTRE, I like to maybe imagine his parents couldn’t give any less fucks about what he does, so long as he’s pretty looking. And he was.  His parents aren’t anywhere around, what do I do!? Can i discipline someone else’s child?! Probably not. Most likely not. So very calmly I’m like “please don’t kick him” and little fucking asshole as opposed to being a kid and being all “ok sorry” like the way most kids talk to stranger adults, he says to me “WELL MAKE HIM GO DOWN THEN!”. It’s. Fucking. On.

I want to note that Max wasn’t sitting there holding up the slide for others. This all took place in the span of 15 seconds, maybe not even. Max was legit about to go right down the slide when that dick kicked him in the back.  So I say to Logan13, (and screw this I’m having an actual stupid conversation where I try to reason with a 5 year old)… “He’s going down, but no need to kick anyone”. WHAT DOES HE DO?? HE KICKS HIM AGAIN IN THE BACK!!!!!!!!!!!

So I obviously lost my shit. “You know, WE DON’T KICK PEOPLE!!!!!!!! WE DO NOT KICK PEOPLE!!!” I had hoped his parents would have heard me, but shockingly, still not to be found. SHOCKING.

How do you handle other people’s jerk kids?! There’s no rule book for this. I’m great at babysitting and watching people’s kids, but I’m really terrible at handling total random stranger’s asshole kids obviously. Most likely because I shouldn’t have to. Maybe just maybe I also yelled at him so I could see what type of parents put their kid in a lambs wool expensive cardigan to play in all day.

Toddler Tantrums

I can’t afford Stock images, you should be happy you’re at least getting this. #Watermark

People read too much, I think. I mean, far be it for me to judge anything anyone does, because I couldn’t care less about anyone else’s life (except for anti vacciners…you’re the worst and I do judge you).  But I just found out there are all these books on toddler tantrums and how to deal with them. I’m part of this mom’s group online (god help me, I used to be cool and fun and now I’m just a fat mom at home on the Internet all day). Anyway, this forum has this huge thread right now going of “my 14 month old is throwing all these tantrums and I don’t know what to do!?!? Are there any books that can help me??” and all these replies asking the same thing, and then others offering good books to read about it.   I just don’t understand though why you need a book???  Here are how I handle tantrums, without reading any books…

Level 1 tantrum – I want to play with a toy but I can’t reach it and life fucking sucks, so I’m going to sit here and cry instead

Solution: I get the toy and give him a hug

Level 2 tantrum – Fuck your hug, I really am pissed I wanted to get that toy myself even though there was no possible chance of me reaching it, and now I’m going to throw all the other toys in protest. I also really want to play with daddy’s screwdriver he left within arm’s reach of me because he doesn’t listen to mommy when she talks about safety, and I don’t care what you say because I’m going to get it and if I don’t get it then I want something else unsafe to play with or LIFE ISN’T FAIR!!!

Solution: Distraction! I’ll play with the toy instead and you’ll forget why you’re crying, god willing. I will also discreetly hide this sharp screwdriver that Brian left out, even after I told him to put it away. I really feel like once you’re married and have a baby, you basically have two kids. A post for another time though.

Level 3 tantrum – I want the iPad but you won’t let me play with it and also the battery is dead because I played Elmo Calls for 3 hours straight (don’t judge my mom, she has a broken ankle STFU!). I also want to open the window and try and get outside, and you’re the meanest mom because you won’t let me! You keep me trapped in here like a caged bird, but I just want to fly and you don’t understand my needs and wants! You think all i want is my diaper changed? I don’t give any shit about a diaper change, I want to play on the roof god damn it! With the iPad that won’t turn on!! What’s wrong with you?? I’m going to scream and cry and make faces and pretend to barf and throw anything in my way until you let me do all of this and in the perfect order that I’m not going to verbalize but you have to guess and if you guess wrong I’m going to scream even louder and then hit you in the face!!

Solution: Hide the iPad and distraction again while I stand around laughing at him. Although I used to try and tickle him to make him laugh, now it just pisses him off and puts him in level 5 tantrum.

Level 4 tantrum – I HATE YOU!! REALLY WANT THAT iPad!!!!!!!!! And I hate this house! And I hate everything about the world. I’m going to scream and flail around and throw everything around me, and probably also hit you again. And why did you read me my favourite book 3 times in a row when you KNOW I wanted you to read it 2.5 times in a row while skipping pages 6 and 9, and doing the funny hippo voice on page 10 only, and why are you turning the pages so fast so slow so fast too slow!?!?!  Why are you so mean to me?????? i’m going to cry as long as I can, and beg you to pick me up until you do pick me up then I’m going to scream to be put back down right away then scream to be picked up again and back down again over and over and over again until you learn your lesson, and I’m going to make it so difficult to pick me up and then go all limp when you do get me in your arms, then flail backwards as hard as I can in a dangerous fashion just so you KNOW that I want to be put down to be picked up again. Maybe you should have read those books, huh??

Solution: Stand around and laugh until it’s over, but pick him up when he wants. Although pick him up over something soft, because he really does launch himself out of my arms in an awesomely dangerous way.

Level 5 tantrum – You are the WORST parents ever, I just want the iPad! And I also want chocolate ice cream for dinner and I’m not going to eat anything else until I get it. And anything you put in front of me I will throw on the floor to ensure a huge mess while i’m crying and screaming.  Also add in all the other tantrum levels, and maybe oh yes.. maybe I will also cry for ABSOLUTELY NO REASON WHATSOEVER, so you can stand around and guess for hours but you’ll never figure it out. And if you think you figured it out, I’ll just lose my mind over something else, like maybe that fork is too shiny!! Why is that fork so shiny??? I’m going to cry as loud as I can now and throw the fork at your face! Your stupid mom face who doesn’t seem to give a shit about anything I want obviously?!

Solution: Remove food to stop mess, then stand back and laugh at tantrum until it’s over

That’s basically it. With varying degrees of how the tantrum goes, I mean it can be screaming, throwing, hitting, flailing, rolling around like a dork, but the key point… I just ignore it and laugh hahah.  I mean I do what I can for him, but for the most part I just ignore him. There’s no way I can explain to him why he can’t sit on the outside of the car during a car ride, or why he can’t have my glass of wine for dinner, so if he wants to lose his shit about it, then I feel like that’s fairly normal part of life and I just let it happen. If he needs consoling, I console… but other than that, it’s all about ignoring and distraction tactics.

Hmm I think maybe these books are just people saying what i’m saying except they can word it so it fits in a whole book?  I have no idea. Or maybe not, maybe ignoring it makes your kid turn into an asshole, I don’t know or care. Anyone read any bullshit toddler tantrum books?? I wonder what they say you’re “supposed” to do? I feel like my solutions are working perfectly, so I can’t imagine anything else, and also I like my solutions, they make me laugh and eventually he laughs and everyone wins.  Maybe don’t waste your money on the books and just read my tips above. Then send me the money you would have spent on the book and I’ll buy another iPad charger and he can chill the fuck out about the iPad. He’s so obsessed, it’s unfortunate… but broken ankle so STFU.

Father’s Day II/Kissing Babies

crazy_cake_fs

Is it inappropriate to kiss your baby on the mouth?!?!?!  Brian says you aren’t supposed to do it, but 1. I can’t help it and 2. I don’t care.  I Googled it because now i’m nervous that I’m disgusting, but it seems to be a grey area all over the Internet.  I mean it has its con’s, one time I went for a kiss and he opened his mouth and it was awkward… but that was just one time. Shit, ok, i’m not gonna do it anymore, now that I write about it, maybe it is weird. No one tells you any baby rules!!!!! They tell you don’t lie them on their stomaches because SIDS!!!!!!!  That’s all they tell you! Oh and to make sure you breastfeed, otherwise they get asthma. That’s for sure why I have asthma. Way to go mom.

Unrelated… I’m trying to figure out what to do for Father’s Day, and fucking Pinterest makes me feel so motivated and subpar all at the same time.  I spent over an hour (and 16 Google Chrome tabs) planning some cool stuff, and then a total of literally 10 seconds being like “ya as if I’m EVEN going to go to the store to buy these cookie cutters, sprinkles, a scalpel, duct tape, and a tub of margin” let alone come home and put it together and bake it. I’m just gonna phone in Father’s Day and blame it on my ankle. OH WAIT maybe I can get this nanny to bust something for me?? Is that allowed?  I don’t know how nanny’s work, she seems to be willing to do anything I ask her so far. She’s cleaning my stove and doing my laundry as I type this. I feel like such a baller, is this what most people feel like?? I can’t remember what it was like to work and have money!!  Although it’s so super weird that someone else is doing my laundry. Now more people than just me know that I still exclusively only wear my maternity underwear. THEY’RE SO COMFORTABLE, SHUT UP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Best mom ever

Ummm I don’t think i’m the worst mom ever. I just needed to write a blog post about something and I couldn’t think of anything to say. Sigh. That got horribly blown out of proportion, but thank you everyone for the emails/messages about how awesome I am. It’s true, I am fucking awesome. #EgoBoost+1

Other awesome things I do:
1. I had a playdate last week at my house and didn’t block off the stairs. You can imagine what happened.
2. I fake read books to him, because I can’t read the same book 30 times in a row.
3. We have dance parties in my living room at least twice a day, usually to songs that I don’t realize have inappropriate lyrics until the second time I start singing them.
4. I have long serious conversations with a 13 month old when I get bored during the day. We talked about Crimea yesterday.
5. I hid a book from him last week because I was tired of reading it
6. I overly hug and kiss him to the point where I guarantee he’ll have a complex, but I don’t even care. I only realized this when I went to the park and saw tons of other moms and no one was kissing or hugging their child at all, meanwhile I was doing it every 15 seconds. He’s very kissable. His bitch girlfriend that he’ll have when he’s older who I already hate and isn’t good enough for him is very lucky she’ll get to kiss him. OMG I just got so much hate for her, like it’s disgusting. I’m not gonna let him date. I’m gonna make him live with me forever.
7. I make fun of him when he pees himself or when he has food on his face.
8. He pooped in the potty and then grabbed the poop out of the potty when i wasn’t watching. oops, poop story, sorry.
9. I let him eat my McDonald’s mcnugget lunch 2 weeks ago because he finished all of his and wanted more. He ate 6 mcnuggets, but he’s so small, so I don’t understand.
10. I frequently let him just eat french fries as a meal, and that makes him happy, and frankly that’s all I want.
11. For his 1st birthday, the theme wasn’t Dora, Elmo, Mickey Mouse, etc… it was Hipsters. I made him wear a fedora for the whole party. I even got him a custom skinny tie made for the occasion.
12. When he was 12 weeks old and very non-moveable on his own, I made him twerk in our living room. I have a video of it. It’s horrible and wonderful and horrible all at the same time.

Save yourself the trouble of reading baby books and just read this (Title fail)

I’m gonna tell you everything you need to know about raising a baby without having to read any books. because I read all the books and other than the fact that they will ruin everything for you by giving you false expectation “babies sleep through the night when they are 4 months old“.  STFU. They also take a long time to read and i know you have no time:

  1. Babies teethe once you’ve figured out a good sleep schedule. You will spend months sleep training, and the same week that they finally figure out how to sleep through the night in their own crib alone, will be the same week they start teething and your training will all go to shit. Repeat this process for each tooth, I guess 20 times?
  2. Further to above, once they do sleep through the night the odd time, you won’t. Trust me. You’ll lie there awake waiting for them to wake up. Then you’ll lie there thinking they’re not breathing because why didn’t they wake up. Then you’ll lie there angry at yourself for not sleeping. Then the sun will come up.
  3. Oh that’s another thing, you’ll think they’re always not breathing. I’m convinced he’s not breathing on a consistent basis. I don’t even think this should be a point here, because I feel like it’s not normal to behave in the manor that I behave. He’s obviously breathing, it’s just that I convinced myself that he usually isn’t… because so many reasons like; he hit his head earlier and has a concussion, or he has food stuck in his throat and i didn’t know, or he hit his head on the crib, or his stuffed owl in his crib came to life and is purposely suffocating him.
  4. Put your boobs away. You’re going to be so tired at Continue reading

It’s Ok To Bite A Child, So Long As It’s Your Child… And Even Then There Are Exceptions.

I bit max last week. Like, I actually bit him. I obviously have problems that require medical help. He’s just so delicious and squishy, I got carried away. I was like “RARRAREERRGGRR (you know that mom sound you make, so shut up), I just want to EAT YOU!!” and so I did. A huge disgusting bite. And i’m not gonna lie, it was the best bite ever. He is so squishy!




I suggest you bite your child immediately to understand the full effect of how great it actually is. Don’t draw blood though, it’ll alert some kind of police type thing, and probably go on some kind of permanent record or something. I’m not a lawyer, I dunno. But it’s totally worth it, you’ll see and then you’ll thank me.

This blog has been around for a few weeks now, let’s go over the advice I’ve given:
1. If you can’t find daycare for your child, it’s perfectly acceptable to drop them off at the Premier’s office as an option, because it’s her fault at this point in time.
2. After you finish feeding your baby, make them fly in the air so they throw up
3. It’s ok to bite a baby, in fact not only is it ok, it’s wonderful and you should do it.