Worst Mom Ever (but probably not)

Eff, I haven’t updated this in forever. I’ve been busy and in a funk, and when in a funk, I can’t be funny nor do I care to write anything. ANYWAY, you know what sucks about SAHMing? Basically nothing, it’s great… the only tiny downside is, literally all my friends are gone. I mean, most of them – not all of them, but a good chunk.

After I had Max I swore I wouldn’t change into “that mom”, and I didn’t. I tried so hard to stay the same and still hang out with all my friends, and I did it successfully, it was amazing. Then I don’t know what happened, but I guess if you don’t go to work long enough, or don’t go out every few days, everyone moves on. It’s understandable, I knew it wouldn’t happen. It feels like crap, but I knew it would happen. Also those fucking emails from LinkedIn saying so and so got promoted or got a new job, those are killer. But that only lasts a minute then I go get my nose picked by my 13 month old and I feel infinitely better for the rest of the day. He’s so fucking great, like honestly… this new 13 month old phase is my favourite one. He’s turned into a real person, it’s just the greatest , although I do miss when he liked to cuddle, since he won’t allow me to do that for even a second anymore without him slapping me in the face. Ungrateful!

This is depressing, let me see what I can write about that’s more engaging. Maybe how Max threw up in his grandmother’s mouth two weeks ago? OH Maybe how I have a dirty fucking mouth**, and Max is learning to talk now and among the 10 words he knows, one of them is “shit”. I don’t even stop him because I think it’s hilarious that he swears. I’m the worst parent ever. People shouldn’t be allowed to have kids whenever they want, they should have to pass a test or something… a test I would obvs fail, but nonetheless.

What else have I done that’s terrible? Hmmm… oh last week I was so tired that I let him use my iPhone for an hour and a half. Then when he was done with it, i’m like “NO! Keep playing with it, i’m tired”. WORST. Brian was sick for almost 2 weeks and then he was at a conference for a whole weekend right after that, so I had Max all to myself for 3 straight weeks. I don’t know how single parents do it, you’re amazing, I can’t even tell you how amazing because I can’t understand how you do it.

Anyway, it’s funny when they’re all new and everything and you only feed them organic homemade baby food on sterilized spoons that are only to be used once and you must wear gloves and wash your hands a million times and don’t touch them!! DON’T!!!! Then something happens, they become real people and you’re like IDGAF I just want you to be happy and you start feeding them McDonald’s and giving them all the TV they can handle and then some.

Oh no, wait you don’t do that? No, you probably don’t because you’re a good parent and I’m a lazy terrible one*.


*I may be terrible, but Max learned to count to 2 last week at 13 months old. So there’s that.

**I actually cold turkey stopped swearing (out-loud) a couple weeks ago, and it’s been going great, so hopefully he only will ever know that one swear.

The picture today is the reason I decided to get a personal trainer 2 weeks ago that I can’t even afford in the least. I found this pic on my hard drive and it’s me 5 months pregnant. And then I wanted to die because I currently look 7 months pregnant, yet I’m zero months pregnant, I think. So if I can get my body back into even 5 months pregnant, I’d be happy with just that goal. #SadLazyDepressing

One thought on “Worst Mom Ever (but probably not)

  1. Natalie

    I’m sure there is some pithy old school expression for what I’m about to say but since I can’t remember it I will say this “stop saying you suck because eventually you will believe it if you say it enough”. Scanning through this (I read half) I gave up because I hate hearing you say you’re terrible. You’re glorious. I suck at my job ALL THE TIME but I try not to say that out loud too much because then I will think I’m even worse. Imagine when Max goes back and reads all these posts and he’ll think that his Mum REALLY thought she was awful, and he will be sad because he loves you SO MUCH and thinks you ARE THE GREATEST…. DUDE, you’re awesome. And life ebbs and flows, but really.. there are ACTUALLY terrible Moms out there and I will start sending you news articles about them so you know what terrible really is. It’s not you. So stop it. XXX

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