I know so many people who don’t want to have kids. And I was thinking if they just knew how good it is, maybe they’d change their mind. But then I realized how bullshit that was, because I didn’t want kids either for the longest time, and whenever anyone tried to tell me all the good parts I was like “just no, whatever” while I slept in till 11am after a night of wine drinking, foodie restaurant hopping and vacation planning. Then I woke up on my 30th birthday and everything went to shit and I wanted a baby all of the sudden, OUT OF NOWHERE. Fuck you hormones. Fuck you so bad.
I don’t even really care what other people want or do, it effects me zero percent, do whatever you want. If you want to go travel the world instead of having kids, go travel! It’s not like you can travel with kids. Where you gonna go? Australia? Australia is all prisoners, don’t take children there. You wanna go eat at the best restaurants and post photos of your Waygu $600.00 blue endangered lobster topped steak to Instagram? Go do that, restaurants hate kids, especially the asshole kids. And most kids are assholes, so you’d probably end up with an asshole and never get to eat anywhere good again. I’ve been to Boston Pizza 3 times this month, it’s disgusting.
Having said that… in case you’re on the fence (and also because Buzzfeed), I’ve compiled a list of 10 really fucking legit good reasons you should have kids, with all of the “omg but it’s so rewarding and you love them so much” removed.
10 Really Fucking Legit Good Reasons To Have Kids (In case you’re on the fence):
1. You can get out of ANYTHING!!!
“Sorry, my son has to nap, I can’t make it to your Pinterest Napkin Folding party”. “Hey, this dinner of liver and potatoes is great, and I love listening to your creepy uncle talk about his fishing boat, but my son has to nap in 10 minutes so we have to go” (Then you go get burgers). “Hmm ya I can’t make it that day to help you rebuild your deck in the rain, my son has music class, sorry.”. #CouldBeTrueCouldBeFalseDOESN’TMATTER
2. You get all the best parking spaces
Self explanatory, but you do. And the best part is when you park in one of those close spots and you get the stink eye from a overtired bitchy bitch mom who thinks you have no kids in the car.
3. You get a year off work to just hang and do whatever
Because ProTip: in the first year of their lives, they don’t do shit. So you can legit just go anywhere and do anything.
4. You’ll get less annoyed by people posting baby photos on Facebook
I mean, moderately less annoyed. I still know some over-posters (guilty) and they need to just stop. I don’t care that your kid can fit a cheerio in his nose, it’s not cute to anyone but you. But overall, you get over seeing only baby pics on Facebook. And you can also judge other people’s kids and make yourself feel better about your own comparatively.
5. You get free stuff
The amount of free Timbits I’ve gotten because “omg your baby is so cute!” in the past year is an exorbitant amount.
6. You don’t have to work late anymore
Leave that for the junior account people who wear high boots, big earrings, ombre their hair, and have nothing to go home to except a big bottle of wine and probably a concert at some point that night.
7. The government will send you $100.00 a month
You legit get $100.00! This means nothing to anyone reading this because you all have jobs. I used to have a job and made a lot of money so I was all “I’m just gonna donate that money” back in the day. But now I have no job, and it’s $100.00! Which is a lot of money to someone who has zero money! I think i’m supposed to give it to Max. like put it in an RESP or something, but mama needs her nails done.
Everyone you run into is basically your friend immediately. Because you all share the same “a person has ripped their way out of my body, then peed in my mouth and pooped on my hand” bond. We all talk to each other all the time, passing on the street, in the mall, at the park, I don’t even know you but we’re talking, because we both just “know“. And it’s so great. I.e. I was at Yorkdale wearing a Superman t-shirt because I’m an idiotloser, and Max was being a silly, and a stranger mom comes over to me and says “Superman eh? More like Supermom, you’re doing great!”. THAT’S AMAZING. Trust me. It’s amazing. So I’ve coined Momradery as a real thing, we’re all looking out for each other and it’s wonderful.
9. You can get fat, and it’s fine
I’m disgusting, and while I hate being fat, I can continue to blame it on the baby weight that won’t go away. Or like you want that extra cupcake? That’s gross, you’ve had two already. but “my son kept me up all night, i haven’t eaten in two days because I’ve been so busy taking care of him, I’m so tired” now it’s totally acceptable to eat that cupcake. And before you judge me, I know you’ve done this before, I know you’ve eaten two cupcakes at one sitting, and you have no kids, therefore you don’t even have an excuse. So maybe I am disgusting, but at least I have an excuse.
10. Ok I had to throw this in… you really do love them on a whole other level
Like for all the work it is, and for all the things you’ve wanted to do in your life without kids, you won’t even care anymore. I still want to travel the world, but I want to travel the world with Max and show him all the amazing things that I wanted to see, but we both get to see it for the first time together. Except Australia, a population of criminals.